single mom

What to do When Your World Comes Crashing Down on You

World crashing down – Day 3.

Well. I didn’t think I would be writing this post but here I am. On Monday morning I found out that I was being laid off from where I had been for over a decade.

I am actually thankful to be unemployed right now. I need situations that I’ve never been in before to make me stronger and better. I know that when I get to the end, I most definitely will be both. It doesn’t make it any easier or less scary, but it does give me motivation and hope for the future. I looked for other opportunities a few times over my tenure, but never did anything that took much effort because I never knew if I could actually pull the trigger and leave or not. I also wanted to stay. I loved what I did. I loved my team.

I do not have a choice now. It is like God was trying to get me to open my eyes for a long time and I wasn’t budging. So, he had to force me down a different path. I am trying to figure out what that path looks like, but I do have faith even though I cannot see. I started reaching out to my network and sending resumes on Monday at probably 10:00 am because I couldn’t sit around and do nothing, even if for a day or a week. Not when I have my kids’ wellbeing on the line and too much to figure out for our future. Being divorced, I do not have anyone to come home to that I can lean on in terms of a spouse, so it’s all on me. I already had a phone screen on Monday, I have coffee with a recruiter tomorrow morning and another phone interview tomorrow, as well. I will do my part. And, it could still take 90 days or more to land a new position, I know. I am fully preparing myself for that possibility. It scares me, but I do know it will all be ok. I have actually been through worse and it was all ok then. That’s how I know it will all be ok this time.

So, what do you do when your world comes crashing down on you, like mine did this week? Below is my advice and what I am trying to do with every passing hour:

  • Pray and give thanks – for me this is so number one. God does not put us through anything he will not give us the strength to get through. I am strong enough with God to get through this and any other tragedy that will most definitely strike my life. I thanked him right away. I still have so much to be thankful for. And I am constantly praying because I can’t get through this without constantly praying.
  • Only focus on getting through the next 24 hours – this is big for me because I like to get way too far down the road in my thinking and planning. However, I simply cannot do that right now. I can only focus on today. I am not worrying about tomorrow. Today has enough worries of its own.
  • Do not make any rash decisions – my dad told me this right away. Hmmmm do you think that maybe I’ve made some of these in the past? For sure. I was already talking to him about moving on Monday. He was just shaking his head and said verbatim: “Lindy, do not make any rash decisions.” Got it.
  • Spend time with your parents, if you can. I know I am blessed to have my parents so close to me. I went to their house the very next morning because I needed to be “home.”
  • If you don’t want to talk to or see anyone at any point, don’t. I tend to go inward when I am trying to get myself through something. I’ve had a lot of phone calls I haven’t answered because I am just not ready. I am telling myself that is ok because I know that at some point I will be ready.
  • Use your network – I haven’t went into full blown networking mode, but I have reached out to the vital people in my network that can start to move mountains for me in terms of getting my name and resume in front of the right people. When I am ready, I will do this more and with people I don’t even know.
  • Soak in the love – while I haven’t let everyone in quite yet, I do have a close circle of family and friends that have been here for me. It can be difficult to accept help but sometimes you are the one that needs the love and support. This is the time to soak it in and allow it to happen.
  • Don’t lose your sense of humor – I drove to my sister’s house right away after leaving the company. I have a garage door opener to her house and it wasn’t working. I found out it was because the power was temporarily out. I laughed to myself at the time, though, because I was like “I have literally lost access EVERYWHERE!!!” Haha.
  • Allow yourself to be sad, but don’t stay there. I am a person that needs a mental health day every quarter or so. I need to get the tears out and just be depressed. I need to lie around and do nothing and throw myself just a little pity party. I’m sure this will happen a few times during the next few weeks and months. I will just not let myself stay there or pity party too long.
  • Don’t eat too much…or too little. I can go either way. This week it has been more of not having an appetite and who knows next week. I am trying to make myself eat the right amount and healthy foods.
  • Day drink – I haven’t done this yet but I fully plan on it. 🙂
  • Believe in yourself – I talked to my old boss on Monday morning. He was one of the first people I called. I will never forget what he told me. And that was that this is NOT the time to not believe in myself.
  • Go on a long drive and sing at the top of your lungs or cry your eyes out…or both. My dad actually drove to Minnesota with me yesterday because I felt like going on a drive. Not many dads will do that with their 37-year-old daughter, but mine will. And, he will even listen to my Christmas playlist with me on Halloween (and sing along). My mom would, too, she just couldn’t get out of work yesterday. 🙂 I’ve also cried alone in the car a few times this week. One of these times was after I had to clean my office out on Tuesday morning. That was a difficult moment.
  • Give grace and don’t hold grudges – but it is ok to not want to see or talk to some people ever again in your life. Don’t feel bad about that.
  • Clean house – sell all the stuff you haven’t used, touched or worn for a long time. I am kind of digging eBay. Why not make a little extra cash to stash when I need it most?
  • Embrace being an at-home mom (or dad) while you can. My kids and I slept in this morning because I didn’t have to rush to be at work early. I am leaving to pick my daughter up from school in five minutes. I am scheduling my son’s conference for during the day. Because I can!
  • Give back. The best thing I could do right now is help someone else or give money to someone who needs it more than I do. This is what God has called us to do.

Sometimes you have to get through your fear to see the beauty on the other side. That is how I am living today and for the near term anyway. I am facing my fear head-on. I know my kids will be ok and I will be ok. I know we will be taken care of. And, that’s all I need to know in the next 24 hours.

I’ll keep you all posted on my journey. Thank you for all of your support.

Lindy

30 Ways to Love Yourself in 15 Minutes a Day

30 Ways to Love Yourself in 15 Minutes a Day

15 minutes a day. 105 minutes a week. 450 minutes a month. That’s only 90 hours in an entire year. Do you think you can carve that out of your life to focus solely on loving yourself? We should all take more time to love ourselves, but in the busy world of work, sports, side jobs, cleaning, shopping, running the kids’ taxi service, exercising, etc. it is not as easy as it should be to squeeze in this extra 15 minutes.

This is not something I’ve done as a set schedule, but as I write this post I am now committing to 15 minutes a day (I usually tend to save it all up and spend a couple of hours each week) to simply loving myself. There is nothing more important than loving yourself. If we don’t love ourselves, then no on else can, either. If we don’t see our own worth, then no one else can, either.  If we don’t enjoy our own company, then no one else can, either.

While moving on with my life post-divorce and truly living on my own, I have had to come to terms with these truths. Facing my deepest insecurities head-on has not been easy or pretty, and I’m still very much working on loving myself without limits or conditions. That’s why the following 30 ways to love yourself in 15 minutes a day is just as helpful to me as it is to anyone reading this. Self control, self talk, saying no, boundary setting and enforcement all take practice, like anything else in life. Are you ready to practice? Are you ready to let yourself be truly seen so you can be truly loved? If so, here are 30 ways to practice loving yourself everyday:

  1. Pray
  2. Pray in reverse – don’t be the one doing the talking with God – be silent and see what the Holy Spirit speaks to you in your mind
  3. Call someone important to you that you haven’t talked to in a long time – don’t text, CALL!
  4. Make a list of all of the qualities you like about yourself and all of the qualities you don’t like about yourself – re-visit this list every few weeks and see what progress you’ve made toward the qualities you don’t like
  5. Volunteer
  6. Journal or blog – this can be about anything, about your day, a relationship, something you’re trying to work through, your raw thoughts, literally ANYTHING, just let your mind flow onto the paper and see what happens
  7. Learn something new – a hobby, language, sport, anything
  8. Make a list of your life goals and set reasonable time frames in which to accomplish them – pick one to focus on during your 15 minutes until it is accomplished
  9. Find a good yoga app
  10. Sit outside and simply observe everything around you
  11. Make a list of all of the things you are thankful for
  12. Draw or paint a picture
  13. Write yourself a letter and forgive yourself for something you need to forgive yourself for
  14. Take a bath, light a candle and relax in silence or to your favorite music
  15. Drive around and sing at the top of your lungs
  16. Go to Target – YES this is a way to love yourself, I promise! I also get a large fountain Diet Coke and a bag of popcorn from the snack bar to shop with me – WARNING – this may exceed 15 minutes but doesn’t have to 🙂
  17. Lay in the sun and let your face truly feel it soaking in
  18. Go for a walk or bike ride
  19. Figure out the rules and boundaries you want for yourself – what do you need to be saying no to?
  20. Make a list of your favorite things
  21. Write a card to someone and send it in the mail
  22. Write a card to yourself and send it in the mail
  23. Dance to loud music and watch yourself in the mirror, too! Smile and HAVE FUN doing this one
  24. Bake cookies
  25. Read a few chapters of a book
  26. Get a coffee and people watch in your favorite coffee shop
  27. Buy yourself fresh flowers and put them in your kitchen
  28. Ask someone for feedback
  29. Do some sort of puzzle – jigsaw, crossword, word search, etc.
  30. Record yourself saying something you want yourself to hear in the future – play back these recordings often

I could probably keep going, but here are the 30 ways to love yourself in just 15 minutes a day. What do you think? What would you add?

Divorce journey takes friends

I’ve realized something lately. It’s not earth shattering or something I didn’t know before. But, does something ever hit you, like really hit you, and even though you knew it before – all of a sudden you just see things a little differently? This is what happened to me. ***I’m placing a long post warning right here – if you want to just get to what I’ve realized, skip down to the last two paragraphs. If you want to follow how my crazy mind works, well then read on from here. 🙂

I’ve always had the best friends. I have been so blessed in this department my whole life. I was single for a very long time, so maybe that is part of the reason why. I was always ALL about my friends throughout high school and college and could pour a lot of me into them. In fact, I was just telling my teenage daughter last year that if you aren’t making an effort in friendships/relationships, you aren’t going to get anything out of them. My lesson to her was simple – as a girl, you NEED girl friends. It is essential to every part of your being. She wanted to be instantly liked and included – and not have to step out of her comfort zone in order to develop deep friendships. This is when I told her that you have to put your real, authentic self out there. (Which I realize can be really scary in 7th grade at a new school.) She had a Christmas movie marathon at our house in December and invited old friends, as well as people she was just getting to know. And the rest is history, really. My number one thanks to God in my prayers over the last several months is seeing her with what is now down to a group of four of them that have become so close. I can tell she is 100% herself around them and vice versa. It literally brings tears to my eyes as I type this because it makes me so happy. Maybe this is where this revelation started even, I don’t know.

Moving on…I never wanted to be a divorced person. I didn’t want that label and honestly, I was ashamed of it. I felt that all of a sudden I got looked at differently and stopped getting invited to couple or family parties…because I was going to start hitting on all of the husbands?! However, I’ve tried my best to not let those thoughts and insecurities control me. At first, I hid out. A lot. I moved away in my own little place and only let in those closest to me. But, little by little I started to let my guard down. I gave time its proper time (and still am) and have been able to accept the situation and forgive myself for the most part.

Then I did something really brave. I got out of the almost four-year relationship I was in immediately after my divorce. This was probably one of the most courageous things I’ve ever done. I know that sounds pathetic, but it was a moment when I broke my own cycle. I took what I learned from my past and decided it wasn’t going to affect my future. I wasn’t going to get to one or five years down the road just to receive validation that my gut was right. It was scary to leave what was comfortable and who I knew loved me…no matter what. I could have stayed forever just for that alone, because then I never would have had to face the risk of not being loved ever again. However, I knew God was with me and would get me through – and in the end I would look back and know that the beauty waiting for me on the other side was because of the risk I took to let go and break the cycle. This is truly when I chose myself and risked living this life alone in order to choose her. What I’ve learned in this time, however, is that even if I’m not in a relationship or married, I’m not living this life alone. And that, my friends, opened my eyes and provided me more strength than I’ve ever had. Do I still have insecurities? Of course. Do I still get lonely and long for one complete family and to build a home with someone? Yes! And I know all of that is ok because it is just who I am. (This is girl is one HOPELESS ROMANTIC…I just know I have to embrace her and simmer her down a little when needed.) I also know that I need to be patient and LIVE moment by moment for once in my life.

I pray a lot for God to SHOW me how I can help – to make it abundantly clear what I am called to do. This is because I am so blind and there are so many times I miss something obvious or don’t act on a thought that crossed my mind. I forget that the Holy Spirit lives within me and gives me these nudges, but so many times I disregard them as my own thoughts. Acting on the things in which we know are good and we know must be heaven-sent is where we start to become closer to the person God created us to be. I read this question somewhere recently: what if at the end of your life you were able to meet the you that you could have been? That is a powerful thought. The gap could be so incredibly large or we could work now everyday to make sure the gap is as small as possible. And this isn’t about money or success – it is about a heart that takes action. I digress because that is not what this post is about, it is just how my thought process works. However, part of my realization stemmed from this notion of tuning in and acting on those nudges, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem.

Living moment by moment has helped me realize what I tried to get to in the first paragraph. And that is that sometimes the call to action is literally right in front of our eyes. It can be our closest friends, family members, or someone you just pass by and say hi to everyday at work and have no idea what he or she is really going through. It is about not being scared to tell your story because you never know who needs to hear it. We all go through muck in life and every single one of us has our own unique muck. God knows this because he knows everything. He knows who He can use to help his children through whatever muck they happen to be in. After encountering new friends and old friends that have been or are going through a divorce right now, it clicked for me that this is my call to action. I haven’t thought a lot about friendships being a call to action from God because like I said, I just always had good ones. However, I didn’t have a girl friend with kids that knew what I was going through when I got divorced. I had great girl friends that were there for me, don’t get me wrong, but no one that I could really connect with. It was kind of like when I had my daughter because I had kids many years before my friends did. I had to go through it first. Was I perfect? Not in the slightest. I was forced to figure things out, though.

SO…what I have realized is that I am BLESSED with those around me…with my girl friends…old and new. I have also realized that I have friends right now who truly need me. That is weird to write out loud. And I am truly willing to lose sleep for these friends and give up other things so I can spend time with them to listen or to just validate what they are going through. I want to be there to watch romcoms, laugh, snort and give hope in the fact that everything WILL be ok…with their hearts, with their kids, and with their lives. And I know because I’ve been there. And in many ways I am still there…I’m just at a different point in the journey. We are walking this journey arm in arm because we’ve been connected with our stories and our muck. Our muck happens to be similar so it bonds us together. I know there are many other stories like this – wives that have had to see their husbands on multiple deployments, those battling cancer, those coping with sick kids or loss. This is what we are called to do in this world. This is God at work. This is God being omnipresent. I know it with all of my being. If I’ve had to go through all of my own unique muck (and I know there’s more to come) just to get to this point of realization, I can honestly say it’s all made me a better person and certainly closer to the woman God created me to be. I am working to be more like her every single day. I am looking right under my nose for ways to help others in my life here, right where I am.

Thank you to all of my friends – every single one of you holds a special place in my heart and helps me in SO many ways. And then there is FAMILY. That is like multiple posts, so I’ll just end with a huge thank you. There is nothing like the feeling of a grateful heart. And mine certainly runneths over.

Girl friends

Quotes to read over and over…and over

Beautiful things ask for no attention

I still believe in 398.2

Never apologize for saying what you feel. That’s like being sorry for being real.

Waiting for someone to make you happy is the surest way to be sad

One day can change everything

Don’t be afraid to lose what wasn’t meant to be

Actions always prove why words mean nothing

Blessed are those who give without remembering and receive without forgetting

However good or bad your situation is – it will change

Your children only get one childhood

Don’t forget to fall in love with yourself first

What’s for you won’t pass you by

See the light in others and treat them as if that’s all you see

Embrace the current season of your life

The less I needed, the better I felt

As much as you want to plan your life, it has a way of surprising you with unexpected things that will make you happier then you originally planned – that’s what you call God’s Will.

Trust dreams. Trust you heart and trust your story.

The woman who does not require validation is unstoppable!

 

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The Way Life Should Be

My kids and I went on vacation to Maine last month. We were able to stay with family friends so it was affordable, but also a really cool experience to live like locals while on vacation as tourists.

It was a trip of firsts for us – first plane ride for my 6-year-old son, first time at the ocean for both of my kids, and the first real vacation with just the three of us. While there were a couple of moments I felt like a single mom, (like when we flew into Boston late and I had to drive through construction, successfully get out of the city and navigate us to our friends’ house in Cape Neddick, Maine while being the only one awake in the car) the most overwhelming feeling I had was thankfulness. Thankfulness that we were able to make those memories together. And that somehow I was able to pull it off for them.

Maine’s motto is “The Way Life Should Be.” And if you look at this picture of my children running to the ocean, it couldn’t be more true. We don’t always have these moments, but when we do, we all need to take a deep breath and smell the sweet air so those moments stay with us forever.

Looking back on everything that has happened in my life, I cannot say everything is how I imagined it would be. Not even close. But, all I can do is do my best and keep moving forward.  Faith and time are the ultimate healers.

SO – while my life up to this point might not be how I thought it would be, I do know it is how it should be. And when you trust in that, everything changes.