This is March 2020. This is me. This is 40. This is it.

I’ve been thinking about this post for quite a while now. I could’ve never imagined, however, the circumstances I would be writing it under.

This is Me.

I had a defining moment last year that made my age become an insecurity that literally overtook my mind over the last nine months. Prior to that, it wasn’t like I was jumping up and down to turn 40 by any means, but I wasn’t obsessed with it, either. I thought I looked ok for my age and the decade in my 30s as far as feeling good about myself from an outward perspective was probably the best in my life. To clarify – I’ve never been 100% comfortable in my own skin. I have tried. Goodness I have tried. I had an eating disorder dating back to my 10-year-old self – in only third grade. While I have had this under control for about 16 years (when I had my daughter, I drew a hard line in the sand so an eating disorder would never interfere with being a mom), the constant thoughts and obsessions about my outward appearance have never gone away. Not for a single day.

I was at Fareway, a local grocery store. I had some beer in my cart. I went to check out and did not get carded. Now, it’s not like I always get carded because I don’t. It is probably about 30-40% of the time. I never paid much attention or ever had anxiety when it came to purchasing alcohol. This time, however, I noticed a very prominent sign that said, “We card under 40.” Those words…U-N-D-E-R F-O-R-T-Y…are what changed my mindset. I could get on board with the fact that I didn’t look under 21, but suddenly, I put myself in a different bucket. Anxiety still creeps in when my husband asks me to buy beer. I avoid it so I can avoid the anxiety I now feel about not getting carded because I must look like I am 50. When I do have to buy it, I just tell myself not to think about it and to assume I won’t get carded. I still have a little pain when I don’t. When I do, I just tell myself they are trying to make me feel good. Or are just extremely cautious and even card a 70-year-old.

This moment caused a whole lot of spiraling and some extreme/obsessive thoughts – which isn’t uncommon for someone with a history of an eating disorder. I’ve been better at keeping these thoughts under control at certain times over others. Mainly it depends on how I am feeling about myself. If I’ve been active and making good diet choices and am a certain number on the scale, I tend to relax a bit. With my age has also come sllllooowwwwing of my metabolism. At times I feel like I don’t eat too much at all and still can’t get the number on the scale to move. Or I give myself too many cheat meals in between not eating, which defeats anything I am trying to do, and ultimately, and obviously, I feel absolutely horrible about myself. And even secretly ashamed.

Everyone that is really close to me knows that I started to dread March 17, 2020 at exactly 11:55 PM. Dooms day I called it. This wasn’t like me. I spent 39 years LOVING my birthday – I mean I was born on St. Patrick’s Day – who wouldn’t love their birthday? However, this year all I wanted was for it to come and go and I definitely didn’t want anyone to make a big deal of it. I wanted nothing to do with over the hill decorations, big 4-0 balloons, a black sash, a surprise party or any gathering outside of my immediate family. I wanted to pretend that I wasn’t leaving my 30s. I couldn’t believe I wasn’t more thankful to be 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38 or even 39 when I was…and just how in the hell did all of those years already go by in my life?!?!? It seemed like I blinked and it was all over.

Over the last nine months I focused solely on my physical appearance. Did my skin start to look old overnight? I picked apart everything about myself. I noticed every wrinkle that all of a sudden were just popping off my face. I had age spots that I think before I just considered freckles, because I’ve always had freckles. Now they are age spots – which some really are. I just didn’t notice. I started wearing different (the expense stuff) and definitely more make-up. My chin looked old. I could see my pores all across my face. My cheeks looked saggy. Underneath my eyes started to look puffy to me every day. Since turning 30 or so I started to take care of my skin because in my thirties I got teenage acne that I didn’t have in my teens. I had no choice. But I told myself that I hadn’t done enough pro-actively to help my skin. Obviously after noticing all of that! And then there was my neck. I’ve done double chin exercises since I can remember. I thought those were supposed to make your skin firm through the years. Yet my entire neck looks like it’s sagging and my side double chin is off the charts. A turkey neck before 40? How can this be? How did I not see it to do something about it before it got so bad?

I started examining everything. Do my hands make me look old? Are my legs not as toned? My hair has always been very fine. It must be thinning now. I definitely need to stop tanning. I’ll wear sunscreen on my face. I’ll buy a monthly spray tan package. Good thing I have eyelash extensions. That’s all I have going for me! And I don’t have a gray hair, yet. The day that happens – watch out! Honestly, typing this all out I am aware of how ridiculous these thoughts and questions sound. That’s the thing, though. I KNOW they are. I know I am so much more than my outward appearance. I couldn’t consistently get past any thought that was rational. I am still struggling with that, if I am being most honest.

Probably the worst thing about the last nine months is my thinking that if my looks go, I am not loveable anymore. Who cares if I am kind or sometimes funny or insightful or a giver or a good listener or faithful. That stuff doesn’t matter if I am noticeably OLD. I wasn’t ready to not be young anymore. I didn’t know that going through this psychologically was actually a thing. I can usually take control and get through just about anything life throws at me. Not this. And then there’s God. I’m sure just shaking His head over and over at his child, me, trying to knock down the door to my heart and begging for my attention back. I had idols of this world I was trying to find joy in. I was trying to just take control and look better by spending money on all sorts of fake things to slow down looking old. God just wants me to know that I only have strength in Him and can ONLY find Joy in Him. But I wasn’t. At all. So ashamed.

It caused me to be more insecure than I have ever been before in my life – even when I was going through a severe eating disorder or weighed the most ever when I was pregnant. Why would my husband want to be with me, I asked myself. He should’ve chosen someone 5-10 years younger and many LBs skinnier than me, not someone two years older than him. I wondered if he was secretly thinking the same thing and if he looked at those young girls and wished he had them instead of me. I have said for years and years that insecurity is so unattractive. Confidence is sexy. Insecurity IS NOT. And here I was spiraling out of control with my own UGLY insecurity. It’s like I forgot all of the things I bring to the table as a person.

I also had stress in the midst of all of this. My teenage daughter going through really, really tough times. Really tough. Things I never thought I would have to get through or navigate. I question my abilities as a mother daily. I consistently feel guilty that I don’t do enough. Or not enough of the right things. Or I’m not consistent enough. I don’t do tough love well. At all. And I don’t give the other two enough of my attention because of all of this. Additionally, I was at a newish job (especially considering I had been at my last one for almost 11 years) and trying to find my way, make my mark, show my value. We were getting married. We were building a new house. We were blending two families into one. We started trying to conceive (don’t even get me started with my thoughts on being way too old for that, which is of course why it’s not working…) It was quite the year. For the most part I stayed silent about my struggle – at least all of the details I just shared.

This is 40.

And then, just like that, it was March 17, 2020. Last night at 11:55 PM I was officially 40. The secret is out, thanks to Facebook. On the way back from a work trip a few weeks ago, I finally watched the movie “This is 40” on the plane. I never watched it before because “I’m not 40 yet.” Since it was so close to dooms day, I gave in and watched it. It was funny and there were definitely a lot of things I can relate to. Of course, I was noticing everything about the actress. Surely, she aged so much better than I have.

I knew that I either wasn’t going to make it to my 40^th birthday or that God was going to show me something so profound that I would be forced to have a paradigm shift. And wow. Did he do that. Starting a week ago, things with COVID-19 were changing daily and were getting very real. Fast forward to yesterday and our community was all but shutting down. We couldn’t go out to dinner. We couldn’t go to the bar for a green beer. We couldn’t hang out with more than 10 people. Even if someone was planning some huge over the hill surprise party that I would’ve hated before all of this, it wasn’t possible. We have family on spring break in different countries and we are worried about them getting home. We are worried about our parents getting sick. Our hearts go out to everyone that is impacted with this horrible, invisible virus. We are worried about our country and our economy and do not know what is to come. For any of us.

This is It.

So. I knew I was going to make myself write a blog post about turning 40. I had no idea how it was going to shape up and if I was ever going to be able to truly draw another line in the sand of my life and say “enough” to myself, to my mind. The insecurities that have developed in me over the last year have been too strong and too raging for me to really think I could beat them. It’s going to be a battle. I am going to have setbacks. I am going to need help. Let me write that again. I am going to need help. That’s not an easy thing for me to admit, say, or write. But, I owe it to so many people. I owe it to my husband. I owe it to myself. I owe it to God. I am more than a face. Or a body. I am a loving person with a soul that cares so much. I love to laugh until my stomach hurts. I love to be with my family and friends. I love to make a difference. I love to read and write. I love to listen and offer advice. How can I think all of that means nothing because I don’t like how I look? Because I am insecure of being old? I love God and trust in Him. He’s never let me down. He’s always picked me up when I’ve tried so hard for too long to be strong on my own. All of that is worthy of so much more love than if it didn’t look like I was 40. Or 50. Or 90. Because the reality is that none of us are immune to aging. Or to death. There’s so much more than earthly things. I got trapped. And I am ready, finally, to be un-trapped. To begin to love myself for so much more than my appearance. To show others my joy from the inside that just radiates externally no matter how old I am. Or how much I weigh. Here’s to 40. Here’s to teaching my kids this lesson with my own actions now before they live it for themselves. Here’s to making a difference for others over spending money on fake hair. This is it.

FYI I balled all over this last night. Still posting. I hope the raw, honest truth is inspiring and helps someone else’s heart.

I Am From…

I attended a training yesterday that wasn’t really a training, actually. It was a drama troupe that put on a great production surrounding many issues we all face – whether it be personally or professionally. It was a work event, so a lot of the content fit the workplace – such as diversity and inclusion, sexual harassment and communication.

I read once that most work challenges are because of people. People are messy. We all are. We all come from our own place and see the world and others from our own perspective. Because we don’t always know what’s someone has been through or where they are from, it is difficult to assume what their perspective is and even more difficult to understand it without the background information.

I am writing about this because the exercise we did at the end of the production really impacted me. They had us all write a short “I am From” poem. In highs school I remember writing a similar poem, which was called “This is me. I am.” I loved that poem, too. Why? Because they help me put into words my own story and realize where I am at in my journey. Do I still have guilt associated with some things? What has impacted me so profoundly that it makes the poem? If you dig deep, even your own eyes are opened by the content.

I dug deep, because that is usually what I do. I could’ve kept it very surface level but it wouldn’t have been authentic. I knew that if I had to share it, tears were going to flow, but I decided not to hold back, even though I am newer employee and not everyone knows me very well at all yet.

So, here is my current I am From:

I am from God, the mile wide city (Denver, Iowa), middle child, middle class, self-employed family, shamrock baby
I am from the end of the alphabet and being last in line
I am from an eating disorder starting in 3rd grade that never really goes away, even if outwardly I am controlling it
I am from family and authentic relationships that are trusting and close and make me laugh until my stomach hurts
I am from having my own baby way before I was ready in the mile high city
I am from a 10+ year roller coaster of pain that led to a divorce that my deep rooted faith and values never wanted to allow me to have
I am from guilt for my kids’ lives being a single mom, living in a run-down duplex
I am from a whole lot of faith, hope for the future and full of grace for others
I am from trying to please others too much sometimes
I am from fairy tale visions of romantic comedies and being swept off my feet
I am from Hawkeye Heaven and shop til you drop
I am from jumping to conclusions like a boss
I am from pizza and diet coke for every meal
I am from dreams, goals, determination and hard work to accomplish what I seek to achieve
I am from stubbornness and impatience of wanting to know everything…and taking control whenever I can
I am from not knowing the answer when it comes to parenting and just trying to do the best I can every day
I am from my imperfections, my experiences, my tendencies…and always always always my children’s hearts

What is your I am From? Understanding where others come from is such a big step in tackling the biggest distance that usually exists between two people: misunderstanding. The most effective communicators meet someone where they are and where they come from, not the other way around. Share your story with others. You never know who’s life you might touch.

I am from

No Shame November

Everyone has heard of No Shave November and while us girls would love to take part (and I am sure some even do), I know I couldn’t do it. My girlfriend and I were talking this weekend – not about No Shave November – but about us as women – loving ourselves, believing in ourselves and respecting ourselves. Married, single, divorced, young, old, in between – all females can relate to this topic. A lot is put on our shoulders. We have to be fit but not too skinny, pretty but not intimidating, successful, raise good kids, keep houses together while working, live in a constant guilt circle, come last and many times sacrifice our own needs…the list goes on. Not that there is not a lot expected out of men because there most definitely is. We tend to be harder on ourselves and maybe just a bit more emotional, however.

Our conversation led to both of us saying one word: enough. Enough of the worry, enough of the guilt, enough of the insecurity…enough of the shame. Since it is the beginning of November and forming habits and true life changes takes at least 30 days, we decided to have our own month of change called NO SHAME NOVEMBER. What does No Shame November look like?

• Consciously pick your thoughts like you pick your clothes (positive self-talk vs. negative self-talk)

• Let go of anything you know you truly need to stop hanging onto

• Stop accepting behavior/treatment from anyone that you should never accept

• Speak up for yourself

• Believe in yourself – and not just say you do – but really believe

• Put yourself first and do not feel guilty about it

• Get out of your own way – wait on God and he will act on your behalf

• See your true worth

• Give absolutely zero F’s

• Get rid of things you don’t need

• Give generously to others that are in need

• Fast/cleanse and exercise

• No more body shaming

• Treasure who you are right now

• Stop chasing anything or anyone – be done – what is for you will not pass you by

• Pamper and take care of yourself

• No more doubt, insecurity, guilt, comparison, worry, fear

• Do not hold back from being your true self and say what you think and feel without regret

• Write down everything you are thankful for

• Make time for your true priorities

• Learn something new

• Live in the moment

This list could go on and on. But it truly is whatever each one of us individually needs to not live in shame, guilt, regret or unhappiness. As women, it is so easy to go down the shame rabbit holes. This month, let’s all get together and say ENOUGH. Let’s start a movement. Who’s with us?!?!

Please share your No Shame November stories!

10 Lessons from a 10-Year Old

This post is actually three years old. But, it still provides some valuable lessons from the happenings of a 10-year-old.

I got a call from my daughter’s school nurse last week. My mind went to sore throat, upset stomach – all the bugs that go around this time of the year. Instead, I heard that she fell off the high bar at recess. “And we think she broke her right arm.” Oh boy.

Here were the stats at the end of the day:

4 hours waiting
3 broken bones
2 casts (one on each arm)
1 scratched up face

And … 10 lessons learned from my 10-year-old over the last week. Even though each one is pretty simple, you might benefit from the refreshers both personally and professionally. I know I did.

Smile.
She was wearing a smile in every picture I took of her. The doctor said she was one tough cookie. Sometimes the ability to keep smiling is very difficult. But when we smile, we can make someone’s day without even knowing it and it makes staying positive much easier.
Improvise.
Her Halloween costume would no longer work with the casts. So, she decided to let her injury work in her favor and opted to be an “injured person” instead. When Plan A doesn’t work, move quickly to the next solution and you might find it better than your original plan.
A lesson that doesn’t kill you is a lesson learned.
When I pointed this out, I knew I had officially become my mother. But it’s so true. I was at a marketing conference a few years ago and one of the speakers said he would frequently tell his team that “no one is going to die” if they didn’t do something exactly right. As long as you are continually learning and then adjusting, you will get it right.
Don’t be a show-off.
Speaks for itself. Don’t do it. Ever.
Let rumors roll off your back.
Her biggest concern was rumors would spread about the accident. What if someone said she did it on purpose? What if someone said she got pushed off? As I listened to the simplicity of her concerns, I thought about how easy it is to get wrapped up in the worry of what others think, no matter how big/small/positive/negative/neutral it is.
Allow others to help you.
I have become very good at getting just about any shirt or coat over two arm casts. There are other things she can still do on her own. Recognize where you need help and ask for it. It is ok!
Take a month off from busy-ness.
You can’t really play sports or practice the clarinet with two arm casts. So, she gets a month off from the normal, busy weekly schedule. We are all enjoying this break! Sometimes taking time to slow down and smell the roses is absolutely necessary.
Always sport your flair.
The best part about two casts? Picking out two different colors! She opted for neon green and rainbow tie-dye. What color is your flair? Make sure you sport it as much as possible.
Do not use casts – or any other item for that matter – to harm others.
It has been very tempting for her to use her casts as weapons on her five-year-old brother. But we learned in kindergarten that it’s not nice to hit others. That’s still true.
Being famous isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
After her first day back at school, I asked her if she got a lot of attention and was tired of telling the same story over and over again. She rolled her eyes and said, “Yes. I definitely never want to be famous.” After hitting it big, you might long to be just an ordinary person after all. (Casts might come in handy for the paparazzi, though!) Just kidding.

Insomnia and Divorce

Before I had kids, I didn’t think about sleep really at all. I pretty much always got enough of it and if there were a few nights I stayed out too late, I could catch up. And being in my early twenties, I could still go out and then go to class or work the next day and somehow function.

Then I had my daughter. I knew people said that babies keep you awake at all hours, but as a young mom, I don’t think I fully comprehended what that meant. In those moments in the middle of the night when I could hardly keep my eyes open to save my life, I learned that sleep is one precious commodity. I vowed to myself to never, ever take sleep for granted again. And thirteen plus years later, I still do not take it for granted.

At the point of getting separated, both of my children were very much past the waking up in the middle of the night stage. So, I had a few years of some very good sleep – of which I soaked in every single moment. I didn’t think I’d ever have to face a sleeping shortage again. Well, I was wrong. I don’t know if anyone else who has been through a divorce experienced insomnia, but I sure did – and still do – to this day.

As I sit here writing this post, I’ve probably yawned ten times. Like bringing out the big guns yawns. I’ve been awake since 2:30 this morning when I woke up and simply could not get back to sleep. I’ve adjusted to this lifestyle of many sleepless nights at this point. When I do have a night where I wake up less than two times, or a morning where I am able to sleep in a bit, I take full advantage. I take Benedryl, Advil PM and melatonin on occasion to at least help me go back to sleep if I wake up in the night. I usually do this when I know I have flexibility to sleep in the next morning. However, this strategy also backfires on me. I’ve learned that I can take one and it might work, but two gives me worse insomnia. That really annoys me.

There are several reasons why I link my insomnia to divorce. The most obvious reason is because it started at the same time. Also, at the beginning stages of divorce, it is rather difficult to live in what I call the limbo or in-between period. This is where you have made the decision to move forward, but so many pieces have to fall into place before you can really feel like you have somewhat of a normal life again. If you have kids, add a multiplier of stress to this time period.

I was numb for a long time even before my divorce, as I had to be strong and cope with things that wouldn’t have been possible for me to get through had I not blocked out emotion. It must’ve been a flight or fight instinct in me that pushed me to that point, as I really don’t think I would’ve been strong enough to get there on my own based on how emotional and sensitive I am at my core. Because of this, the transition or limbo period wasn’t as difficult on me as I have heard it’s been on other people. I think my limbo period just started years before my divorce, so I lived in it for a long time without even knowing it. While this might’ve made it a bit easier from an emotional standpoint, it was still a change with many, many unknowns.

I slept better when my kids were with me (and still do) because that seemed more normal. It was when I was alone that I never slept. I would even turn into a bit of gypsy and stay at my sister’s house or my parent’s house just to get some sleep versus zero sleep. I would avoid staying alone overnight if I could. The odd thing is I wanted to be alone and I spent many days all by myself because I didn’t want to go anywhere or see anyone, but when it got closer to bed time I would go stay somewhere else.

I remember the first Christmas Eve following my divorce. I didn’t have my kids, so after church I went to my third story condo all by myself and that’s when I cried – ugly cried to be exact. I knew I needed to stay there because I had to be Santa Claus and be there in the morning when their dad dropped them off to see what Santa delivered. That was a moment in time I will never forget. Looking back, getting through the year of firsts – just like with the grieving process – is what helps you get closer to a feeling of normalcy.

Eventually I just made myself stay alone no matter what. Some nights are still better than others. I get scared easily, so if I wake up to noises, it’s over and I’m not going back to sleep. But for the most part I am doing much better than in the beginning. I know if I continue to give time it’s proper time that one day I’ll be sleeping like a baby again.

How to be Friends and Co-Parent with Your Ex-husband

A lot of people actually ask me these questions about my ex-husband. How do you guys get along so well? He still comes to some of your family functions? You give him dating advice? All of you can still go to dinner together?

I don't know how I got so lucky in my divorce situation, but I really did. No one envisions divorce, nor is it any sort of an ideal situation to be in at all. However, sometimes it just IS. And once it's over, all you can do is make the very best of your situation for everyone involved, especially if that includes kids.

There has never been a time in the 4.5 years since being separated that we did not respect each other and didn't work through everything in order to be the best co-parents we could be. Some people don't understand this set up. They think there needs to be clear separation in order to move on – and in some instances I am sure this is more than 100% true. In situations with no kids, I can definitely see that being the best situation for everyone. There is also the quote from When Harry Met Sally that a man and a woman cannot be just friends because someone always wants more. I tend to believe that quote, but if there are boundaries set up front, I know it can work.

So, how do we do it? I've come up with the critical elements below.

Put first things first – your kid(s) – you have to start there. This will help shape how you want things to look and what you need to get past in order to make the best out of divorce for them. They didn't ask for this and part of them will always be affected by it. So it is your job to be mature and figure out how you will put them first. This also includes never bad mouthing your ex to the kids.
Be transparent with your kid(s) – having a friendly relationship with my ex-husband has caused some strife with my kids wondering why the heck we just can't be married if we get along? Being transparent does not mean to tell them every detail as to why you got divorced or anything they are not emotionally equipped to handle. It does mean that you let them know that you will be friends and co-parents for them because it is what they need and deserve. Letting them know up front that it doesn't mean you're going to get back together is a good idea.
Let go of the past – obviously there is muck or you wouldn't have gotten divorced. It is time to let go of the past and move on. Give grace, forgive and see the best in your ex so you can be the best version of yourself in this situation for your kids.
Set clear boundaries with each other and your families – this is probably the biggest element. Someone probably might want more (or be misled to think there is a chance) if you don't set clear boundaries. This includes boundaries with your families, because there might be some instances where it is best to keep things separate and not always be together at family events, unless it's one of the kids' birthdays. My family tends to go overboard and wants to include all of the time when that is not necessarily the best set-up, either. There needs to be space and you need to determine what that space should look like, as well as let others in your close circle know.
Actually be friends – my ex-husband and I talk about things going on with the kids, but we also ask how work is going, how his favorite team did in the game, and he even asks me for dating advice. I give it to him because all I want is to see him move on and be happy. And I want to help pick out my kids' stepmom – I am kind of selfish with this one! Just the other day, I helped him decide to send flowers to the girl he has been dating and made sure to tell him at this early point in their relationship to make them fresh flowers with a fun and flirty message, not red roses with a creepster message. And it totally worked and scored him some big points. I live for that.
Be transparent about the set-up and expectations when you do enter a relationship with someone else – I saved this one for last because it can be tricky. Not everyone will be ok with me being friends with my ex-husband. And that's ok. I will make it clear up front what the situation is, though. I will be loyal to who I am in a relationship with, but he has to be open to this in some way or it will not work. In my last relationship, my ex-husband graciously bowed out of many things in order to give the guy I was dating the chance to be with my family alone.

So there's my advice on how to be friends with your ex-husband. It isn't always easy, and most people will look at you funny, but I have learned that there is no "right" way to do divorce. You need to do what works for your situation. I also understand that in a lot of cases there is one side that absolutely will not cooperate, even for the kids. That is unfortunate but I know it is reality. There is also abuse involved and other things that make it not possible. I understand that. In those situations, all you can do is be the best parent you can be on your own for your kids.

I'd love to hear how about other people's co-parenting solutions!

Divorce journey takes friends

I’ve realized something lately. It’s not earth shattering or something I didn’t know before. But, does something ever hit you, like really hit you, and even though you knew it before – all of a sudden you just see things a little differently? This is what happened to me. ***I’m placing a long post warning right here – if you want to just get to what I’ve realized, skip down to the last two paragraphs. If you want to follow how my crazy mind works, well then read on from here. 🙂

I’ve always had the best friends. I have been so blessed in this department my whole life. I was single for a very long time, so maybe that is part of the reason why. I was always ALL about my friends throughout high school and college and could pour a lot of me into them. In fact, I was just telling my teenage daughter last year that if you aren’t making an effort in friendships/relationships, you aren’t going to get anything out of them. My lesson to her was simple – as a girl, you NEED girl friends. It is essential to every part of your being. She wanted to be instantly liked and included – and not have to step out of her comfort zone in order to develop deep friendships. This is when I told her that you have to put your real, authentic self out there. (Which I realize can be really scary in 7th grade at a new school.) She had a Christmas movie marathon at our house in December and invited old friends, as well as people she was just getting to know. And the rest is history, really. My number one thanks to God in my prayers over the last several months is seeing her with what is now down to a group of four of them that have become so close. I can tell she is 100% herself around them and vice versa. It literally brings tears to my eyes as I type this because it makes me so happy. Maybe this is where this revelation started even, I don’t know.

Moving on…I never wanted to be a divorced person. I didn’t want that label and honestly, I was ashamed of it. I felt that all of a sudden I got looked at differently and stopped getting invited to couple or family parties…because I was going to start hitting on all of the husbands?! However, I’ve tried my best to not let those thoughts and insecurities control me. At first, I hid out. A lot. I moved away in my own little place and only let in those closest to me. But, little by little I started to let my guard down. I gave time its proper time (and still am) and have been able to accept the situation and forgive myself for the most part.

Then I did something really brave. I got out of the almost four-year relationship I was in immediately after my divorce. This was probably one of the most courageous things I’ve ever done. I know that sounds pathetic, but it was a moment when I broke my own cycle. I took what I learned from my past and decided it wasn’t going to affect my future. I wasn’t going to get to one or five years down the road just to receive validation that my gut was right. It was scary to leave what was comfortable and who I knew loved me…no matter what. I could have stayed forever just for that alone, because then I never would have had to face the risk of not being loved ever again. However, I knew God was with me and would get me through – and in the end I would look back and know that the beauty waiting for me on the other side was because of the risk I took to let go and break the cycle. This is truly when I chose myself and risked living this life alone in order to choose her. What I’ve learned in this time, however, is that even if I’m not in a relationship or married, I’m not living this life alone. And that, my friends, opened my eyes and provided me more strength than I’ve ever had. Do I still have insecurities? Of course. Do I still get lonely and long for one complete family and to build a home with someone? Yes! And I know all of that is ok because it is just who I am. (This is girl is one HOPELESS ROMANTIC…I just know I have to embrace her and simmer her down a little when needed.) I also know that I need to be patient and LIVE moment by moment for once in my life.

I pray a lot for God to SHOW me how I can help – to make it abundantly clear what I am called to do. This is because I am so blind and there are so many times I miss something obvious or don’t act on a thought that crossed my mind. I forget that the Holy Spirit lives within me and gives me these nudges, but so many times I disregard them as my own thoughts. Acting on the things in which we know are good and we know must be heaven-sent is where we start to become closer to the person God created us to be. I read this question somewhere recently: what if at the end of your life you were able to meet the you that you could have been? That is a powerful thought. The gap could be so incredibly large or we could work now everyday to make sure the gap is as small as possible. And this isn’t about money or success – it is about a heart that takes action. I digress because that is not what this post is about, it is just how my thought process works. However, part of my realization stemmed from this notion of tuning in and acting on those nudges, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem.

Living moment by moment has helped me realize what I tried to get to in the first paragraph. And that is that sometimes the call to action is literally right in front of our eyes. It can be our closest friends, family members, or someone you just pass by and say hi to everyday at work and have no idea what he or she is really going through. It is about not being scared to tell your story because you never know who needs to hear it. We all go through muck in life and every single one of us has our own unique muck. God knows this because he knows everything. He knows who He can use to help his children through whatever muck they happen to be in. After encountering new friends and old friends that have been or are going through a divorce right now, it clicked for me that this is my call to action. I haven’t thought a lot about friendships being a call to action from God because like I said, I just always had good ones. However, I didn’t have a girl friend with kids that knew what I was going through when I got divorced. I had great girl friends that were there for me, don’t get me wrong, but no one that I could really connect with. It was kind of like when I had my daughter because I had kids many years before my friends did. I had to go through it first. Was I perfect? Not in the slightest. I was forced to figure things out, though.

SO…what I have realized is that I am BLESSED with those around me…with my girl friends…old and new. I have also realized that I have friends right now who truly need me. That is weird to write out loud. And I am truly willing to lose sleep for these friends and give up other things so I can spend time with them to listen or to just validate what they are going through. I want to be there to watch romcoms, laugh, snort and give hope in the fact that everything WILL be ok…with their hearts, with their kids, and with their lives. And I know because I’ve been there. And in many ways I am still there…I’m just at a different point in the journey. We are walking this journey arm in arm because we’ve been connected with our stories and our muck. Our muck happens to be similar so it bonds us together. I know there are many other stories like this – wives that have had to see their husbands on multiple deployments, those battling cancer, those coping with sick kids or loss. This is what we are called to do in this world. This is God at work. This is God being omnipresent. I know it with all of my being. If I’ve had to go through all of my own unique muck (and I know there’s more to come) just to get to this point of realization, I can honestly say it’s all made me a better person and certainly closer to the woman God created me to be. I am working to be more like her every single day. I am looking right under my nose for ways to help others in my life here, right where I am.

Thank you to all of my friends – every single one of you holds a special place in my heart and helps me in SO many ways. And then there is FAMILY. That is like multiple posts, so I’ll just end with a huge thank you. There is nothing like the feeling of a grateful heart. And mine certainly runneths over.

Moving on After Divorce: Stay True to Yourself

I actually found the journal entry below from the year I got divorced, which was five years ago. So, I thought I’d share it. This where I was then in the divorce journey. It’s definitely been a road, but I can say that I have tried really hard to always stay true to myself. And, since then I have seen that girl again. She smiles and laughs and even cries – if you are numb and go without crying for years – it is actually a blessing to finally let yourself cry again.

I’ve learned to stay true to yourself.

There are so many things, beliefs, thoughts, memories, experiences and education that together make us who we are. Coupled with the core of our personality, or how we’re wired, we can take ourselves in many different directions based on current and past circumstances in life, age and simply frame of mind. I’ve spent so much time the last several years just going through the motions, running on empty and trying to do it all that I lost part of me along the way. I think I even got to a point where I thought this is it, just survive.

In the last couple of months, I’ve had the people that are closest to me open my eyes. It also took a therapist telling me I’m broken. Yeah, kind of hurty. But true. I had stopped feeling much of anything because that seemed easiest. I knew I’d let pieces of me go along the way and I didn’t think I could ever get them back. But I’m questioning that now. I know I’ll never be the person I was before 2005. There was a line drawn in the sand – one of those life moments where you know nothing will ever be the same from that point forward. But…

I’ve been thinking a lot about who I really am, what makes me tick, what you can get me talking about for hours and what I feel kind of ‘meh’ about. I’m working on staying true to her and fighting for her. Every day. For me, this means that I’m not going to accept less than extraordinary – a quote I had hanging on my wall in college. For the dreamer that I am, I’m done with not letting myself dream and plan and have goals to meet and celebrations to be had when complete. I’m going to question more and allow myself to feel again. I’m going to write and write. I’m going to sing at the top of my lungs and dance to really bad cover bands. I’m going to speak up, debate and lead. I’m going to joke around, be sarcastic and laugh until my stomach hurts. I’m going to stay positive and count every blessing. I’m not going to stop learning. I’m going to believe. Again.

I’m not finished with me yet. I’m trying to stay true to this girl that needs to let the sun hit her face and show me things I haven’t seen in a while.

A Letter to My Daughter on Her 13th Birthday

Dear Kaylee,

I am writing you this letter to give you on your thirteenth birthday, which is tomorrow. I still sit here in awe knowing that tomorrow you are going to be a teenager. I don’t know how the time went by so quickly and how my little baby, toddler, preschooler, elementary student…became this beautiful, smart, funny, caring and feisty, almost lady. You have blossomed right in front of my eyes over the last year and will only continue to do so as you grow into yourself over the next several years.

Whether it seems relevant to you or not, I know what you are going through. As you’ve reminded me, I do know times were different back in 1993. In fact, I came up with thirteen differences from my life at thirteen:

We still had land lines and long distance bills (that I frequently got in trouble over for calling boys from out of town)…oh and no caller ID or call waiting (do you know what a busy signal is?) but you could look up someone’s phone number in the phone book (do you know what that is?) and you had the last four digits of every single one of your friend’s phone number memorized
Cell phones were called “car phones” and only parents could use them because we were charged by the minute…and there were no games, videos or apps on them
The Internet was just making its way to Iowa and if your family had AOL, you were the bomb, but only one person could be on it at a time
We watched movies on a VCR and we had to wait like six months for a movie to come out on tape
Instead of play lists, we made mixed tapes that you had to manually rewind or fast forward to find your favorite song
We had to actually watch the commercials during our favorite shows
The selfie hadn’t been invented yet and we couldn’t see ourselves in photos until the film was developed
We couldn’t document our every move on snap chat or even text our friends…we actually had to call them…or knock on their door!
We could still walk around town at night on our own
We had to read Teen Bop or Teen Beat to keep up on our favorite celebrities
We had to buy the latest fashions AT THE STORE, and beauty stores like Ulta and Sephora didn’t exist so we had to fill our caboodles with Wet n’ Wild make-up and lip smackers
We had to stalk our crush with random walk-bys past his actual house or calling and hanging up, and we had no idea if he was home or what his family ate for dinner
We had to pass notes in school to find out if someone liked us. Note folding was a talent

So, maybe things have changed just a little bit now that you are a teenager. However, I am now older and wiser and there are many things that have not changed…so here are thirteen facts that are still true today that I want you to know:

What seems like the biggest deal right now won’t matter in six months or a year, and definitely not later in life
You have no idea what people are actually going through – no one’s life is perfect and no single person is perfect, even if it seems like it
You don’t want to peak now…or anytime soon
You can never go wrong by being nice. A simple smile, hi, or asking how someone is could change their day, week, year or life
People that are mean or put other people down, are actually the most insecure and need the most love. Forgive and give grace always
It’s not all about you…ever. Open your eyes to what actually matters and how you can make a difference. The world does not owe you ANYTHING
Be comfortable in your own skin – you are unique, you are beautiful and you have so much to offer the world – so just be YOU! If others don’t like it, that’s their problem, not yours
You would stop worrying so much about what other people think of you if you realized how seldom they actually do – everyone is inherently self-centered so they are thinking of themselves too, not you
Everything is ok in moderation – learn healthy habits now or it will catch up to you when your metabolism slows down – move your body in ways that are fun to you, control yourself and don’t overindulge in anything in life, except your faith and service to others
If you have a dream or want something to happen, do your part. Hard work ALWAYS pays off and most of the time in ways we can’t even imagine up front
Solve your own problems now, while the stakes are low, and when the real problems of the world come your way, you’ll be ready. It is ok to make mistakes, but learn from each and every one so you don’t make the same mistake twice
Whatever situation you are in – good or bad – it will change. Time is the ultimate healer. Be patient and give time its proper time. Even change you know is good change will be a transition, so those changes also need time
You have the strength to get through anything, as long as you lean on God and not yourself

I probably needed to write this list as much as I want you to read it. Enjoy. Smile. Be happy. No one can make you happy but YOU. Enjoy these years. Enjoy getting your summers off, hanging out with your friends, spending your parents’ money and sleeping in. Enjoy being you. Enjoy the sunshine and the swimming pool and soak in the smells of every season. You will miss it. You will regret taking it all for granted because you didn’t know there was anything else beyond it. You will miss sleep when you have babies, but they will change your life in so many more wonderful ways…like you changed mine…thirteen years ago. THANK YOU.

I love you and couldn’t be prouder of you. I will never miraculously accept bad behavior, attitude or disrespect, however, I will always be here to guide you, push you and challenge you. You definitely won’t always like me, but one day you will thank me. One day you will understand. And it is ok if you don’t understand today – you’re not supposed to.

Happy birthday sweet girl, YOU ARE LOVED. God is smiling down on you today and always – don’t you ever, ever forget that.

Love,

Your MOM

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