How to Think Like a Man

So. One thing I’ve learned in my old age is that women are different than men. I know, right. I’m sure I knew this back on the playground when we were chasing them and they were running away…or throwing things at us. It certainly didn’t stop us, though. I see this in my daughter today – I told her just last weekend that boys like it when girls are chill and don’t snap them…like 20 times in a row. She acknowledged that and then responded with, “But, mom, self-control is so hard.” I hear ya kid.

I can be thinking about everything that is going on in my life at practically the same time. Some things might get a little more focus than others, but the rest of it is never too far away. I can switch back and forth like a ninja – all while holding a conversation with someone, driving, or seeing something that makes me think about one of these things.  I can switch mid-conversation to another topic and then pick up right where the other topic left off like nothing happened (although my memory is starting to disappoint me a bit the older I get.) I am not unlike many women. We are experts at the above.

Where we go wrong is we try to do the above with men. Aaaannd…it doesn’t work. I do this with text messaging all the time. Instead of just letting the one thought float out there, if another one happens to pop into my mind before I get a response to the first one, I go ahead and add in the new thought, too. Because, well, that makes sense to me, and why wouldn’t someone want to weed through and respond to three completely different topics in one text string? This also makes complete sense to my daughter, mom, sisters and girlfriends. And, you can totally tell it in our text messages with random gifs that practically switch topics for us. How much fun is that?! Guys? Oh…not that much fun?

There is actually a marketing lesson here – know your audience.  I’ve done a little research (completely non-scientific) and discovered that most men don’t skip around from topic to topic like most women do – they don’t like it and it’s not easy for them to do so, either. This means that they are able to keep their feelings and emotions about one topic separate from other things. Oh my goodness. I wish I had this quality. For example, if he is at work, he is AT WORK. He is in his work compartment, worrying about work stuff, thinking about work stuff and talking about work stuff. Sure, he can talk about other things with his co-workers or even send some texts to his significant other, but unless there is something else that is totally taking over his mind at the moment – he is at work and only at work.

Now, if he’s with his buddies watching football and drinking beer, this is safe zone. No one is nagging, there is no one to impress…and he is truly only in this compartment, needs this compartment and does not want to feel like this compartment will ever be forced away from him. I once asked a guy who was about to propose to his girlfriend what percentage of his time he needed for this “bro” time. I thought his answer was more than fair. He said only counting his free time outside of work and other obligations, it would be 73/27 – that is 73% with his significant other and 27% with his bros. I then asked the guy next to him (who was married) and he said 40/60 – that is 40% with his significant other and 60% with his bros. Interesting, huh.

If women took a little step back and tried an ounce harder to understand the compartments enough to not make him jump from one to the other like a ping pong game and let him enjoy his favorite ones fully and enough (I do think the 27% is enough if they feel it is not restricted), there would be a lot less frustration in relationships. Just like if men tried an ounce harder with women and wrote them more notes out of the blue, sent flowers on a completely random day, gave them compliments other than being beautiful, came home with their favorite take-out, made them dress up for a surprise date they already had planned…you get the drift…

Women – try and see if you can tell what compartment he is in. Then, try to stay there with him and only move onto the next if he moves on. See what happens. Then comment and let me know.

Men – try to make more of an effort in showing her that you are thinking about her and that she is special to you. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together. She still needs it. And the smallest actions will go a lot farther than you can imagine. Then comment and let me know how it goes.

30 Ways to Love Yourself in 15 Minutes a Day

30 Ways to Love Yourself in 15 Minutes a Day

15 minutes a day. 105 minutes a week. 450 minutes a month. That’s only 90 hours in an entire year. Do you think you can carve that out of your life to focus solely on loving yourself? We should all take more time to love ourselves, but in the busy world of work, sports, side jobs, cleaning, shopping, running the kids’ taxi service, exercising, etc. it is not as easy as it should be to squeeze in this extra 15 minutes.

This is not something I’ve done as a set schedule, but as I write this post I am now committing to 15 minutes a day (I usually tend to save it all up and spend a couple of hours each week) to simply loving myself. There is nothing more important than loving yourself. If we don’t love ourselves, then no on else can, either. If we don’t see our own worth, then no one else can, either.  If we don’t enjoy our own company, then no one else can, either.

While moving on with my life post-divorce and truly living on my own, I have had to come to terms with these truths. Facing my deepest insecurities head-on has not been easy or pretty, and I’m still very much working on loving myself without limits or conditions. That’s why the following 30 ways to love yourself in 15 minutes a day is just as helpful to me as it is to anyone reading this. Self control, self talk, saying no, boundary setting and enforcement all take practice, like anything else in life. Are you ready to practice? Are you ready to let yourself be truly seen so you can be truly loved? If so, here are 30 ways to practice loving yourself everyday:

  1. Pray
  2. Pray in reverse – don’t be the one doing the talking with God – be silent and see what the Holy Spirit speaks to you in your mind
  3. Call someone important to you that you haven’t talked to in a long time – don’t text, CALL!
  4. Make a list of all of the qualities you like about yourself and all of the qualities you don’t like about yourself – re-visit this list every few weeks and see what progress you’ve made toward the qualities you don’t like
  5. Volunteer
  6. Journal or blog – this can be about anything, about your day, a relationship, something you’re trying to work through, your raw thoughts, literally ANYTHING, just let your mind flow onto the paper and see what happens
  7. Learn something new – a hobby, language, sport, anything
  8. Make a list of your life goals and set reasonable time frames in which to accomplish them – pick one to focus on during your 15 minutes until it is accomplished
  9. Find a good yoga app
  10. Sit outside and simply observe everything around you
  11. Make a list of all of the things you are thankful for
  12. Draw or paint a picture
  13. Write yourself a letter and forgive yourself for something you need to forgive yourself for
  14. Take a bath, light a candle and relax in silence or to your favorite music
  15. Drive around and sing at the top of your lungs
  16. Go to Target – YES this is a way to love yourself, I promise! I also get a large fountain Diet Coke and a bag of popcorn from the snack bar to shop with me – WARNING – this may exceed 15 minutes but doesn’t have to 🙂
  17. Lay in the sun and let your face truly feel it soaking in
  18. Go for a walk or bike ride
  19. Figure out the rules and boundaries you want for yourself – what do you need to be saying no to?
  20. Make a list of your favorite things
  21. Write a card to someone and send it in the mail
  22. Write a card to yourself and send it in the mail
  23. Dance to loud music and watch yourself in the mirror, too! Smile and HAVE FUN doing this one
  24. Bake cookies
  25. Read a few chapters of a book
  26. Get a coffee and people watch in your favorite coffee shop
  27. Buy yourself fresh flowers and put them in your kitchen
  28. Ask someone for feedback
  29. Do some sort of puzzle – jigsaw, crossword, word search, etc.
  30. Record yourself saying something you want yourself to hear in the future – play back these recordings often

I could probably keep going, but here are the 30 ways to love yourself in just 15 minutes a day. What do you think? What would you add?

Divorce journey takes friends

I’ve realized something lately. It’s not earth shattering or something I didn’t know before. But, does something ever hit you, like really hit you, and even though you knew it before – all of a sudden you just see things a little differently? This is what happened to me. ***I’m placing a long post warning right here – if you want to just get to what I’ve realized, skip down to the last two paragraphs. If you want to follow how my crazy mind works, well then read on from here. 🙂

I’ve always had the best friends. I have been so blessed in this department my whole life. I was single for a very long time, so maybe that is part of the reason why. I was always ALL about my friends throughout high school and college and could pour a lot of me into them. In fact, I was just telling my teenage daughter last year that if you aren’t making an effort in friendships/relationships, you aren’t going to get anything out of them. My lesson to her was simple – as a girl, you NEED girl friends. It is essential to every part of your being. She wanted to be instantly liked and included – and not have to step out of her comfort zone in order to develop deep friendships. This is when I told her that you have to put your real, authentic self out there. (Which I realize can be really scary in 7th grade at a new school.) She had a Christmas movie marathon at our house in December and invited old friends, as well as people she was just getting to know. And the rest is history, really. My number one thanks to God in my prayers over the last several months is seeing her with what is now down to a group of four of them that have become so close. I can tell she is 100% herself around them and vice versa. It literally brings tears to my eyes as I type this because it makes me so happy. Maybe this is where this revelation started even, I don’t know.

Moving on…I never wanted to be a divorced person. I didn’t want that label and honestly, I was ashamed of it. I felt that all of a sudden I got looked at differently and stopped getting invited to couple or family parties…because I was going to start hitting on all of the husbands?! However, I’ve tried my best to not let those thoughts and insecurities control me. At first, I hid out. A lot. I moved away in my own little place and only let in those closest to me. But, little by little I started to let my guard down. I gave time its proper time (and still am) and have been able to accept the situation and forgive myself for the most part.

Then I did something really brave. I got out of the almost four-year relationship I was in immediately after my divorce. This was probably one of the most courageous things I’ve ever done. I know that sounds pathetic, but it was a moment when I broke my own cycle. I took what I learned from my past and decided it wasn’t going to affect my future. I wasn’t going to get to one or five years down the road just to receive validation that my gut was right. It was scary to leave what was comfortable and who I knew loved me…no matter what. I could have stayed forever just for that alone, because then I never would have had to face the risk of not being loved ever again. However, I knew God was with me and would get me through – and in the end I would look back and know that the beauty waiting for me on the other side was because of the risk I took to let go and break the cycle. This is truly when I chose myself and risked living this life alone in order to choose her. What I’ve learned in this time, however, is that even if I’m not in a relationship or married, I’m not living this life alone. And that, my friends, opened my eyes and provided me more strength than I’ve ever had. Do I still have insecurities? Of course. Do I still get lonely and long for one complete family and to build a home with someone? Yes! And I know all of that is ok because it is just who I am. (This is girl is one HOPELESS ROMANTIC…I just know I have to embrace her and simmer her down a little when needed.) I also know that I need to be patient and LIVE moment by moment for once in my life.

I pray a lot for God to SHOW me how I can help – to make it abundantly clear what I am called to do. This is because I am so blind and there are so many times I miss something obvious or don’t act on a thought that crossed my mind. I forget that the Holy Spirit lives within me and gives me these nudges, but so many times I disregard them as my own thoughts. Acting on the things in which we know are good and we know must be heaven-sent is where we start to become closer to the person God created us to be. I read this question somewhere recently: what if at the end of your life you were able to meet the you that you could have been? That is a powerful thought. The gap could be so incredibly large or we could work now everyday to make sure the gap is as small as possible. And this isn’t about money or success – it is about a heart that takes action. I digress because that is not what this post is about, it is just how my thought process works. However, part of my realization stemmed from this notion of tuning in and acting on those nudges, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem.

Living moment by moment has helped me realize what I tried to get to in the first paragraph. And that is that sometimes the call to action is literally right in front of our eyes. It can be our closest friends, family members, or someone you just pass by and say hi to everyday at work and have no idea what he or she is really going through. It is about not being scared to tell your story because you never know who needs to hear it. We all go through muck in life and every single one of us has our own unique muck. God knows this because he knows everything. He knows who He can use to help his children through whatever muck they happen to be in. After encountering new friends and old friends that have been or are going through a divorce right now, it clicked for me that this is my call to action. I haven’t thought a lot about friendships being a call to action from God because like I said, I just always had good ones. However, I didn’t have a girl friend with kids that knew what I was going through when I got divorced. I had great girl friends that were there for me, don’t get me wrong, but no one that I could really connect with. It was kind of like when I had my daughter because I had kids many years before my friends did. I had to go through it first. Was I perfect? Not in the slightest. I was forced to figure things out, though.

SO…what I have realized is that I am BLESSED with those around me…with my girl friends…old and new. I have also realized that I have friends right now who truly need me. That is weird to write out loud. And I am truly willing to lose sleep for these friends and give up other things so I can spend time with them to listen or to just validate what they are going through. I want to be there to watch romcoms, laugh, snort and give hope in the fact that everything WILL be ok…with their hearts, with their kids, and with their lives. And I know because I’ve been there. And in many ways I am still there…I’m just at a different point in the journey. We are walking this journey arm in arm because we’ve been connected with our stories and our muck. Our muck happens to be similar so it bonds us together. I know there are many other stories like this – wives that have had to see their husbands on multiple deployments, those battling cancer, those coping with sick kids or loss. This is what we are called to do in this world. This is God at work. This is God being omnipresent. I know it with all of my being. If I’ve had to go through all of my own unique muck (and I know there’s more to come) just to get to this point of realization, I can honestly say it’s all made me a better person and certainly closer to the woman God created me to be. I am working to be more like her every single day. I am looking right under my nose for ways to help others in my life here, right where I am.

Thank you to all of my friends – every single one of you holds a special place in my heart and helps me in SO many ways. And then there is FAMILY. That is like multiple posts, so I’ll just end with a huge thank you. There is nothing like the feeling of a grateful heart. And mine certainly runneths over.

Girl friends

Quotes to read over and over…and over

Beautiful things ask for no attention

I still believe in 398.2

Never apologize for saying what you feel. That’s like being sorry for being real.

Waiting for someone to make you happy is the surest way to be sad

One day can change everything

Don’t be afraid to lose what wasn’t meant to be

Actions always prove why words mean nothing

Blessed are those who give without remembering and receive without forgetting

However good or bad your situation is – it will change

Your children only get one childhood

Don’t forget to fall in love with yourself first

What’s for you won’t pass you by

See the light in others and treat them as if that’s all you see

Embrace the current season of your life

The less I needed, the better I felt

As much as you want to plan your life, it has a way of surprising you with unexpected things that will make you happier then you originally planned – that’s what you call God’s Will.

Trust dreams. Trust you heart and trust your story.

The woman who does not require validation is unstoppable!

 

Moving on After Divorce: Stay True to Yourself

I actually found the journal entry below from the year I got divorced, which was five years ago. So, I thought I’d share it. This where I was then in the divorce journey. It’s definitely been a road, but I can say that I have tried really hard to always stay true to myself. And, since then I have seen that girl again. She smiles and laughs and even cries – if you are numb and go without crying for years – it is actually a blessing to finally let yourself cry again.


I’ve learned to stay true to yourself.

There are so many things, beliefs, thoughts, memories, experiences and education that together make us who we are. Coupled with the core of our personality, or how we’re wired, we can take ourselves in many different directions based on current and past circumstances in life, age and simply frame of mind. I’ve spent so much time the last several years just going through the motions, running on empty and trying to do it all that I lost part of me along the way. I think I even got to a point where I thought this is it, just survive.

In the last couple of months, I’ve had the people that are closest to me open my eyes. It also took a therapist telling me I’m broken. Yeah, kind of hurty. But true. I had stopped feeling much of anything because that seemed easiest. I knew I’d let pieces of me go along the way and I didn’t think I could ever get them back. But I’m questioning that now. I know I’ll never be the person I was before 2005. There was a line drawn in the sand – one of those life moments where you know nothing will ever be the same from that point forward. But…

I’ve been thinking a lot about who I really am, what makes me tick, what you can get me talking about for hours and what I feel kind of ‘meh’ about. I’m working on staying true to her and fighting for her. Every day. For me, this means that I’m not going to accept less than extraordinary – a quote I had hanging on my wall in college. For the dreamer that I am, I’m done with not letting myself dream and plan and have goals to meet and celebrations to be had when complete. I’m going to question more and allow myself to feel again. I’m going to write and write. I’m going to sing at the top of my lungs and dance to really bad cover bands. I’m going to speak up, debate and lead. I’m going to joke around, be sarcastic and laugh until my stomach hurts. I’m going to stay positive and count every blessing. I’m not going to stop learning. I’m going to believe. Again.

I’m not finished with me yet. I’m trying to stay true to this girl that needs to let the sun hit her face and show me things I haven’t seen in a while.

Texting and dating…10 tips to make it through

If I had to give any advice on this topic, it would simply be: don’t text and date. Kind of like don’t text and drive. Unfortunately, however, that is easier said than done. In today’s world of dating I don’t know how it can be avoided. But, you can control your mind and actions to make it much easier.

Being divorced in my 30s, I was pushed into a dating culture that is much different than the one I was used to in high school and college. Thank God there wasn’t texting or social media at that time. Dating was much more of an effort – like a good old fashioned phone call or – gasp – stopping by. Did you read that – guys had to actually call you or stop by! And you could hear his tone of voice and know if he was joking around or not – and you didn’t have to be an emoji dictionary and probably misinterpret or read too much into what he meant anyway.

Now – don’t get me wrong – waiting for that phone call or stop by wasn’t a picnic and what I would’ve done for additional stalking tools. We had to basically be certified FBI agents.  I do think, however, that less is more, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship. And that becomes much more difficult in today’s dating scene.

I have found that I really dislike texting. Like a lot. It does have its moments because it is convenient and quick, but it can drive a completely normal person to think he or she is just a little bit crazy. Especially if you are female. And even more especially if you are an over-thinker or over-analyzer to begin with. Insert grimace face emoji here.

The plain and simple truth is that texting and dating is bad news. Yet if you are dating today, you don’t really have much of a choice. Be prepared for the roller coaster of ups and downs…like all of those memes I see that say “He didn’t text back for six hours…we are so over. Never mind, I just got a kissy face emoji. We are back on.”

Since texting and dating can’t really be avoided, I have come up with ten tips to help you make it through, especially in the beginning:

  1. Don’t be glued to your phone. Like ever.  Wherever you are, be there 100%. You will forget about your phone after awhile. Be fully present in each moment.
  2. Be busy creating your own life. Discover your likes and dislikes, take up a new hobby, spend time with friends and family, help someone, meet someone new, do something that scares you, write, sing, read…whatever sets your soul on fire.
  3. Don’t allow texting to change who you are or your behavior. Don’t let what seems like a change in tone, emoji use, etc. change your tone or alter what you would say. Stay true to you. Don’t be insecure. Know how much you are worth, because it is a lot.
  4. Don’t read into anything. Let me say that again. DON’T READ INTO ANYTHING. Just don’t let yourself do it in any circumstance. If everything has been positive or there is no reason to suspect anything is wrong or has changed, just take a deep breath and let it go.
  5. Don’t check Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, etc. to see his or her activities. Just stop. They will probably be on there liking stuff, viewing other people’s stories…and not texting you. But it doesn’t mean anything more than the fact that it will happen. I promise.
  6. Don’t assume to know what they are thinking or how they meant something. You simply cannot read tone or body language in text. You can’t. So stop trying.
  7. Don’t over text, especially in the beginning. Keep it simple and intriguing.
  8. Just be funny and lighthearted – you can’t go wrong there.
  9. Every once in a while, call instead. It will be a surprise.
  10. If you’ve been drinking…play at your own risk. This is like a drunk dial in my day. You’ll probably regret it if you aren’t sure where you stand. So save it for when you do. Then it’ll be fun.

So, that’s it. That is how I’ve tried to survive texting and dating, even though I am still not a fan of it. At the end of the day, just keep it real. If you wonder something, ask, but ask in person. Nothing will ever replace communicating in person, so do that as much as possible.

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The Way Life Should Be

My kids and I went on vacation to Maine last month. We were able to stay with family friends so it was affordable, but also a really cool experience to live like locals while on vacation as tourists.

It was a trip of firsts for us – first plane ride for my 6-year-old son, first time at the ocean for both of my kids, and the first real vacation with just the three of us. While there were a couple of moments I felt like a single mom, (like when we flew into Boston late and I had to drive through construction, successfully get out of the city and navigate us to our friends’ house in Cape Neddick, Maine while being the only one awake in the car) the most overwhelming feeling I had was thankfulness. Thankfulness that we were able to make those memories together. And that somehow I was able to pull it off for them.

Maine’s motto is “The Way Life Should Be.” And if you look at this picture of my children running to the ocean, it couldn’t be more true. We don’t always have these moments, but when we do, we all need to take a deep breath and smell the sweet air so those moments stay with us forever.

Looking back on everything that has happened in my life, I cannot say everything is how I imagined it would be. Not even close. But, all I can do is do my best and keep moving forward.  Faith and time are the ultimate healers.

SO – while my life up to this point might not be how I thought it would be, I do know it is how it should be. And when you trust in that, everything changes.