We are All Adjusting In Our Own Shoes: Coronavirus Confessions from Mine

As a marketer, I knew early on that we are navigating uncharted waters and undoubtedly making history. The 2020 COVID-19 pandemic and the global response will not only forever change how we live, but it will end up in higher education curriculum in many aspects including public health planning, business continuity preparedness, manufacturing and inventory strategy, communication during and post pandemic, to name very few. For years we’ve tried to prepare as a collective whole as far as what we’d do as a nation – as a company – as an individual– as a world – if we were struck with a public health pandemic. Yet the real thing is quite a bit different no matter how many tabletop exercises were conducted prior to 2020.

I am not a doctor, nurse, respiratory therapist, healthcare administrator, public safety official, political leader, manufacturer, grocery store worker, truck or delivery driver, or any other extremely vital role in this pandemic. I don’t know first-hand what the front line feels like and how exhausting it is with seemingly no light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t pretend to come from the shoes of one of those groups or individuals. Not for a single second.

I am a communicator – a marketer – a leader – a mother – a daughter – that’s all I can write this from. My shoes. I am still working, albeit remotely. My three children are home from school – finishing week #7. My husband is an insurance agent who is still working outside the home. He continues to visit clients inside their homes. While this makes me nervous as to what he is exposed to and to what he may be exposing others to without his knowledge, he’s providing an essential service that people still need. I am supporting him every single day. I am telling him to keep his head up when business is slower than normal, or when someone can’t conduct the process virtually because they don’t have access to a computer or the right assistance to help them through it.

Right now, VGM’s number one goal is to be the communication hub and influence positive change for its members – thousands of home/durable medical equipment, complex rehab, women’s health, home modification and orthotics and prosthetics providers and practioners across the country, as well as its hundreds of strategic partners. The last six weeks have been the longest in my career, yet also seemed to have passed like a blur. And like I said previously, I am not even on the front line. I can read 24/7 and still come up with something new, interpret something a new way, and have dozens of new things to communicate on our dedicated website.

I run on inspiration. If I don’t have inspiration, my insides start to go numb. Personally, I’ve sought as much inspiration as I can possibly find. I’ve also sought some good, old fashioned humor. We must still allow ourselves to feel – all emotions – especially in times of great stress. Allowing yourself to feel and be real will be one of the things that gets you through COVID-19 and beyond. I am writing this to hopefully be the inspiration just one person needs. The one word that keeps circulating in my mind is adjust. We have all had to adjust in many ways lately. It is a constant. Adjusting will help us be the bridge we need before COVID-19 to after COVID-19, whenever and whatever that looks like. The truth of the matter is, it won’t be the same after. A new version of ourselves will have to emerge whether we want it to or not. Below is a little glimpse of some of the adjustments I’m making in my shoes.

The routine I am used to is gone. I lost my 20-minute commute. I love driving and listening to music. By myself. I lost climbing the stairs to the third floor at least once a day. I now work a lot harder to get my 10,000 steps in and it’s usually at night. After being on call after call, my Fitbit will sometimes remind me, “you have been active 0 out of 8 hours.” I lost a workspace that was so much better than the one I haven’t taken the time to set up at home. I lost a water cooler. I lost free coffee. I lost face to face interactions with my co-workers. I lost in-person meetings. I lost my lunch hour where I could get away and go to Target alone if I wanted to. I lost breaking out the popcorn and margarita machines in our break room on random Friday afternoons. I lost my work clothes and getting ready every day, whether I wanted to or not. At work, I could see or hear what was going on among other departments, passing conversations and other divisions within VGM. Working remotely, I miss that visibility.

I lost whatever work-life separation I had. My children are normally at school. Besides the occasional situation where I had to leave to pick one up or take one to a doctor appointment, the two worlds could operate independently during working hours. I worked from home occasionally before – a repair window of FOUR+ hours (my favorite, ha ha), feeling ill, a sick child, a snow day or just needing time without interruptions to get stuff done. But none of those times prepared me for this.

I’ve “adjusted” to a 5th, 6th and 10th grader at home essentially trying to home school themselves while I’m working. Turns out they are all very hungry and have a lot more questions and needs than I anticipated. It also turns out that I was not supposed to be a teacher. I make a check list for them every day because after one week of complete chaos, I determined there was no other way to survive. I record podcasts in my tiny laundry room, conduct conference calls in the closet if I have to, and use my lunch if I can take one to keep up on laundry (that is one perk), or clean the kitchen for the 10,000th time. However, each day I count all three blessings I’m home with, as I know the time I have with them now I will never get back.

I had two employees who worked remotely before the work from home mandate, so I am used to leading a partially remote team. Leading remotely entirely, however, is most definitely different. Am I communicating enough? Too much? Does everyone feel connected and inspired? Am I thanking them enough? Am I being annoying? Working from different locations is doable, it just takes some adjustment. I have found it’s not one size fits all. Every person is different and has different needs whether in the office or working from home.

Coronavirus Confessions.

I had to adjust to video conferencing. Well I guess you could say I still am adjusting to it. I don’t like it. I don’t know where to look and I don’t like seeing myself. I know that is not what a leader during this time should admit. But it is my truth! My kids also tell me to be quiet now when they are conducting their multiple classroom Zoom calls a week, and they’ve even had virtual doctor appointments.

Our family spending has become all about food, home improvement projects, oh, and alcohol (these are confessions, right). I’ve never cooked so many meals in my entire life. I’ve run out of ideas. Actually, I’ve basically run out of myself. You see, I pretty much had fake everything. Fake eyelashes, fake hair, fake hair color, fake nails. As of last weekend, all are gone. I am exposed and the real me is who stares back at me in the mirror…and during a video conference call! Eek. It is slowly teaching me to finally look beyond that damn mirror.

I turned 40 during this pandemic. I didn’t want this birthday. I didn’t want shenanigans from my family, a black sash, black balloons, or anything of the sort. Turns out, my St. Patrick’s Day birthday was a lot different this year. And I would’ve been really mad if there was a surprise party planned. Now I would’ve welcomed it.

My daughter was hospitalized several days for attempted suicide about two weeks before her sweet 16 birthday, which was April 27, 2020. I share this because unfortunately, too many people are suffering in silence. Especially now. That’s not right! I also believe that God doesn’t put us through anything He doesn’t give us the strength to handle, and that we are called to share these stories to help others. While sitting with her in the ER, a nurse asked me if I was ok and if she could get me anything. I smiled through my mask, said I was ok, that I didn’t need anything, and thank you very much. Right after it came out of my mouth, I realized it was a complete lie. I then looked at this scar on my daughter’s forehead that she’s had since she was two. Suddenly as she was lying there hooked up to all the monitors, I saw her cute toddler face, heard her sweet high-pitched toddler voice, and most of her life flashed in front of me to that very moment. It was a moment I could’ve never imagined I’d be in with her, now three times total in the past 18 months. Mental illness is tough. Add that to quarantine for a teenager and I know she’s not the only one struggling to live.

She needed to be in the hospital longer. However, the hospital she was at isn’t set up for long-term adolescent psychiatric care, there were no other beds free in the state, and she couldn’t have visitors which was tearing her apart. Since I am working from home, I can keep the watch over her she needs. For that, I am truly thankful. Here’s something else that’s positive. She most definitely has an opinion about the adolescent psychiatric care system in America. Let’s pray these feelings drive her to create a movement and purpose for good!

There you have it. I am continually adjusting and trying to model positive behavior for my children and co-workers. But, again, I can only write this from my shoes. I know they are very insignificant compared to all the shoes other people are wearing right now. I am deeply thankful for everyone that is serving every single person in need. My heart and prayers pour out to anyone that is grieving. To every single person that is unemployed and doesn’t know how he or she will pay their next bill. To everyone struggling to breathe. To anyone that is so tired and so stressed and doesn’t know how he or she will survive another day, or even another hour. And, lastly, I am forever grateful for our front line warriors – members of the VGM family!

This is March 2020. This is me. This is 40. This is it.

I’ve been thinking about this post for quite a while now. I could’ve never imagined, however, the circumstances I would be writing it under.

This is Me.

I had a defining moment last year that made my age become an insecurity that literally overtook my mind over the last nine months. Prior to that, it wasn’t like I was jumping up and down to turn 40 by any means, but I wasn’t obsessed with it, either. I thought I looked ok for my age and the decade in my 30s as far as feeling good about myself from an outward perspective was probably the best in my life. To clarify – I’ve never been 100% comfortable in my own skin. I have tried. Goodness I have tried. I had an eating disorder dating back to my 10-year-old self – in only third grade. While I have had this under control for about 16 years (when I had my daughter, I drew a hard line in the sand so an eating disorder would never interfere with being a mom), the constant thoughts and obsessions about my outward appearance have never gone away. Not for a single day.

I was at Fareway, a local grocery store. I had some beer in my cart. I went to check out and did not get carded. Now, it’s not like I always get carded because I don’t. It is probably about 30-40% of the time. I never paid much attention or ever had anxiety when it came to purchasing alcohol. This time, however, I noticed a very prominent sign that said, “We card under 40.” Those words…U-N-D-E-R F-O-R-T-Y…are what changed my mindset. I could get on board with the fact that I didn’t look under 21, but suddenly, I put myself in a different bucket. Anxiety still creeps in when my husband asks me to buy beer. I avoid it so I can avoid the anxiety I now feel about not getting carded because I must look like I am 50. When I do have to buy it, I just tell myself not to think about it and to assume I won’t get carded. I still have a little pain when I don’t. When I do, I just tell myself they are trying to make me feel good. Or are just extremely cautious and even card a 70-year-old.

This moment caused a whole lot of spiraling and some extreme/obsessive thoughts – which isn’t uncommon for someone with a history of an eating disorder. I’ve been better at keeping these thoughts under control at certain times over others. Mainly it depends on how I am feeling about myself. If I’ve been active and making good diet choices and am a certain number on the scale, I tend to relax a bit. With my age has also come sllllooowwwwing of my metabolism. At times I feel like I don’t eat too much at all and still can’t get the number on the scale to move. Or I give myself too many cheat meals in between not eating, which defeats anything I am trying to do, and ultimately, and obviously, I feel absolutely horrible about myself. And even secretly ashamed.

Everyone that is really close to me knows that I started to dread March 17, 2020 at exactly 11:55 PM. Dooms day I called it. This wasn’t like me. I spent 39 years LOVING my birthday – I mean I was born on St. Patrick’s Day – who wouldn’t love their birthday? However, this year all I wanted was for it to come and go and I definitely didn’t want anyone to make a big deal of it. I wanted nothing to do with over the hill decorations, big 4-0 balloons, a black sash, a surprise party or any gathering outside of my immediate family. I wanted to pretend that I wasn’t leaving my 30s. I couldn’t believe I wasn’t more thankful to be 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38 or even 39 when I was…and just how in the hell did all of those years already go by in my life?!?!? It seemed like I blinked and it was all over.

Over the last nine months I focused solely on my physical appearance. Did my skin start to look old overnight? I picked apart everything about myself. I noticed every wrinkle that all of a sudden were just popping off my face. I had age spots that I think before I just considered freckles, because I’ve always had freckles. Now they are age spots – which some really are. I just didn’t notice. I started wearing different (the expense stuff) and definitely more make-up. My chin looked old. I could see my pores all across my face. My cheeks looked saggy. Underneath my eyes started to look puffy to me every day. Since turning 30 or so I started to take care of my skin because in my thirties I got teenage acne that I didn’t have in my teens. I had no choice. But I told myself that I hadn’t done enough pro-actively to help my skin. Obviously after noticing all of that! And then there was my neck. I’ve done double chin exercises since I can remember. I thought those were supposed to make your skin firm through the years. Yet my entire neck looks like it’s sagging and my side double chin is off the charts. A turkey neck before 40? How can this be? How did I not see it to do something about it before it got so bad?

I started examining everything. Do my hands make me look old? Are my legs not as toned? My hair has always been very fine. It must be thinning now. I definitely need to stop tanning. I’ll wear sunscreen on my face. I’ll buy a monthly spray tan package. Good thing I have eyelash extensions. That’s all I have going for me! And I don’t have a gray hair, yet. The day that happens – watch out! Honestly, typing this all out I am aware of how ridiculous these thoughts and questions sound. That’s the thing, though. I KNOW they are. I know I am so much more than my outward appearance. I couldn’t consistently get past any thought that was rational. I am still struggling with that, if I am being most honest.

Probably the worst thing about the last nine months is my thinking that if my looks go, I am not loveable anymore. Who cares if I am kind or sometimes funny or insightful or a giver or a good listener or faithful. That stuff doesn’t matter if I am noticeably OLD. I wasn’t ready to not be young anymore. I didn’t know that going through this psychologically was actually a thing. I can usually take control and get through just about anything life throws at me. Not this. And then there’s God. I’m sure just shaking His head over and over at his child, me, trying to knock down the door to my heart and begging for my attention back. I had idols of this world I was trying to find joy in. I was trying to just take control and look better by spending money on all sorts of fake things to slow down looking old. God just wants me to know that I only have strength in Him and can ONLY find Joy in Him. But I wasn’t. At all. So ashamed.

It caused me to be more insecure than I have ever been before in my life – even when I was going through a severe eating disorder or weighed the most ever when I was pregnant. Why would my husband want to be with me, I asked myself. He should’ve chosen someone 5-10 years younger and many LBs skinnier than me, not someone two years older than him. I wondered if he was secretly thinking the same thing and if he looked at those young girls and wished he had them instead of me. I have said for years and years that insecurity is so unattractive. Confidence is sexy. Insecurity IS NOT. And here I was spiraling out of control with my own UGLY insecurity. It’s like I forgot all of the things I bring to the table as a person.

I also had stress in the midst of all of this. My teenage daughter going through really, really tough times. Really tough. Things I never thought I would have to get through or navigate. I question my abilities as a mother daily. I consistently feel guilty that I don’t do enough. Or not enough of the right things. Or I’m not consistent enough. I don’t do tough love well. At all. And I don’t give the other two enough of my attention because of all of this. Additionally, I was at a newish job (especially considering I had been at my last one for almost 11 years) and trying to find my way, make my mark, show my value. We were getting married. We were building a new house. We were blending two families into one. We started trying to conceive (don’t even get me started with my thoughts on being way too old for that, which is of course why it’s not working…) It was quite the year. For the most part I stayed silent about my struggle – at least all of the details I just shared.

This is 40.

And then, just like that, it was March 17, 2020. Last night at 11:55 PM I was officially 40. The secret is out, thanks to Facebook. On the way back from a work trip a few weeks ago, I finally watched the movie “This is 40” on the plane. I never watched it before because “I’m not 40 yet.” Since it was so close to dooms day, I gave in and watched it. It was funny and there were definitely a lot of things I can relate to. Of course, I was noticing everything about the actress. Surely, she aged so much better than I have.

I knew that I either wasn’t going to make it to my 40^th birthday or that God was going to show me something so profound that I would be forced to have a paradigm shift. And wow. Did he do that. Starting a week ago, things with COVID-19 were changing daily and were getting very real. Fast forward to yesterday and our community was all but shutting down. We couldn’t go out to dinner. We couldn’t go to the bar for a green beer. We couldn’t hang out with more than 10 people. Even if someone was planning some huge over the hill surprise party that I would’ve hated before all of this, it wasn’t possible. We have family on spring break in different countries and we are worried about them getting home. We are worried about our parents getting sick. Our hearts go out to everyone that is impacted with this horrible, invisible virus. We are worried about our country and our economy and do not know what is to come. For any of us.

This is It.

So. I knew I was going to make myself write a blog post about turning 40. I had no idea how it was going to shape up and if I was ever going to be able to truly draw another line in the sand of my life and say “enough” to myself, to my mind. The insecurities that have developed in me over the last year have been too strong and too raging for me to really think I could beat them. It’s going to be a battle. I am going to have setbacks. I am going to need help. Let me write that again. I am going to need help. That’s not an easy thing for me to admit, say, or write. But, I owe it to so many people. I owe it to my husband. I owe it to myself. I owe it to God. I am more than a face. Or a body. I am a loving person with a soul that cares so much. I love to laugh until my stomach hurts. I love to be with my family and friends. I love to make a difference. I love to read and write. I love to listen and offer advice. How can I think all of that means nothing because I don’t like how I look? Because I am insecure of being old? I love God and trust in Him. He’s never let me down. He’s always picked me up when I’ve tried so hard for too long to be strong on my own. All of that is worthy of so much more love than if it didn’t look like I was 40. Or 50. Or 90. Because the reality is that none of us are immune to aging. Or to death. There’s so much more than earthly things. I got trapped. And I am ready, finally, to be un-trapped. To begin to love myself for so much more than my appearance. To show others my joy from the inside that just radiates externally no matter how old I am. Or how much I weigh. Here’s to 40. Here’s to teaching my kids this lesson with my own actions now before they live it for themselves. Here’s to making a difference for others over spending money on fake hair. This is it.

FYI I balled all over this last night. Still posting. I hope the raw, honest truth is inspiring and helps someone else’s heart.

What’s It Like?

I had the privilege of attending VGM Group’s leadership summit this week. In December I celebrated my two-year anniversary with the company. After being at my previous employer for nearly 11 years, it was (and actually, still is) a change and adjustment for me. I’ve always told myself that change – no matter good or bad, or no matter if it’s change you know you want or not – requires time and isn’t easy. It takes us out of our comfort zone and status quo.

Big change draws a line in the sand of your life – there is a clear “before this” and “after this.” I learned this when I was in middle school from my best friend’s mom. It was a summer where the little creek in Denver, Iowa flooded and destroyed their basement. We made fun of her at the time, but she started referring to things as “BF” and “AF” for before flood and after flood. It’s actually quite a simple, yet profound, life lesson. I have many of these in my life so far (and some of the best and worst yet to come) – before college/after college, before Colorado/after Colorado, before kids/after kids, before divorce/after divorce, before VGM/after VGM, before sicknesses/after sicknesses, before step-parenthood/after step-parenthood…you get the point. My biggest lesson through all of these has been that each before and after requires a different version of me. Each has challenged what I knew to be true and challenged all the little crap I overemphasized.

As a leader, change is one constant. I am continually challenged and excited to bring a new me to the table. Leadership resources and inspiring thought leaders make this easier. VGM truly invests in its people. This leadership summit is only one example, but the simple fact that they bring in over 200 people to learn, connect and celebrate is enough to set the company apart from others.

Coming off the great week, I don’t want to forget about what I learned. I was so inspired, yet also had this overwhelming feeling of oh my goodness, I have so much work to do! I can be so much better! This is more for myself to get on paper, however here is the recap of my main takeaways from the week:

You have to buy a ticket – the keynote speaker was my absolute favorite. He said with anything in life, you must buy a ticket. If you are going to make a difference and do great things, it’s not going to be without hard work, passion, blood, sweat and tears. And some laughter, too.
You must be present to win – this might’ve been my favorite lesson. It is so true. I am a multi-tasker. The worst is that I tell myself that I am actually good at it. There is no way I am actually effective, though, and I know this. When someone walks in my office, I need to drop everything I am doing and give them 100% of my attention. When I am home with my husband and kids, I need to stop trying to do 10 things at once and just be in the moment.
Know your values – it should be very easy to make decisions if you know your values and never deviate from who you are at your core. What are your non-negotiables? What do you stand for? What truth will you speak even if your voice shakes? Mine come down to faith, love, and authenticity. I need to give more grace and always make sure to just be me wherever I go or whoever I am with. Another point made by a few of the speakers was that there are most definitely people that do not like you. Ugh. I actually really hate that truth. <— That’s the real me. I don’t like it when people don’t like me. But it’s inevitable so all I can do is stay true to my values, be me, and forget the rest.
Ask “What’s it like?” I asked my kids this right away. “What’s it like to be my daughter?” “What’s it like to be my son?” This is a vulnerable question. I want to ask a version of it to many other people in my life. My kids gave some great answers – both sweet and truthful. It also made me think about the answers I want to hear. How do I want my co-workers to answer? How do I want my husband to answer?!

I know I am at an amazing place two years in or 11 years in. And I am very thankful. I also have my family counting on me. So. Here’s to giving it my absolute all in 2020 in all aspects of my life!

December Eighteen – Eighteen Whys I Discovered in the Past Year

12.18.18

It’s been waaaaaay too long since I’ve blogged. That is just the kind of year I’ve had. I wouldn’t take back this year for anything, however, as I am pretty sure I’ve grown as a person along the way.

One year ago today I started a new position at a new company. I knew I’d like the job and I also knew it would be an adjustment. Both of which ended up true. I also knew that I would find out some “whys” over time, which I most definitely did:

Why I was supposed to leave my old company.

I knew this answer would come with time. I also knew the second I found out that my position was eliminated that it would be for the better. However, you have to wait these things out. I pretty much let myself cry about it two times. Once driving away and once the next day cleaning out my office. Then I was done. I have yet to go through the box from my office, even though I know there are things in there that I could put in my new office and that would be helpful for me to have. I drove back into the parking lot about three months later because I had to drop something off for some friends. I didn’t know it would affect me at all since I pretty much didn’t let my mind think about it…but it did. When I pulled into the parking lot, it felt like I was being punched in the stomach and it was hard to catch my breath. I can say that I am in a way better position at a better company that is 100 times more stable with growth potential. I didn’t know how much I’d actually enjoy a position with no one reporting to me right off the bat. It was different but it allowed me time to truly learn first, which has been incredible. It also taught me that no one is immune to getting laid off if a company is in trouble. Every single person is out to save themselves, no matter what that means. Everyone becomes a number instead of a person and it humbled me a lot. I’ve always been good at what I do and have always cared a whole heck of a lot, so I just never ever thought I’d be in that situation. It made me a stronger person. I also found out later that I was a strong leader and there was a hole left when I was gone.

Why I didn’t choose other job offers.

I would rather not have to make big life decisions. My entire life I’ve questioned myself because I never want to regret a decision or be disappointed. It is easy to think “what if” – what if I would’ve chosen the one that offered more money but was farther away, or the one that would’ve taken me out of my comfort zone but I could’ve proved to myself I that I could do it? It didn’t take too long for me to see why. My gut guided my decision and I knew I was in a good place, even if I never found out anything else. I did find out, however, that the leadership at both of the other companies I was considering turned over within six months, and not voluntarily. While I am sure it would’ve been fine, it certainly would’ve been more stress to deal with as someone new.

Why everyone says parenting a teenager is no picnic…and should most definitely come with a manual.

I really don’t have to say much more here. It is walking a fine line between being a parent your teenager enjoys being around and preparing them for life – sometimes with a little necessary tough love. They don’t understand how difficult executing on this tough love thing can be. It’d be way easier to just let them do whatever, but I won’t do that. I’ve had moments I’m not proud of when my patience got the best of me. I have a stronger backbone than I’ve ever had. There are also such amazing moments when she wants to hang out and do the same things I love to do and even some times when she wants to snuggle (!!!), which I soak in 1000%. This year we’ve handled anxiety, depression, self-harm, all-out screaming fits, punching, hitting, doubting God and faith, experimenting with vaping and even a little drinking. Just when I thought I couldn’t handle more, more came. I am the whipping boy and I just take it over and over again, knowing that one day she will realize that I did care and did love and did make decisions based on what I knew to be best for her life and future. I question myself daily and still want to get my hands on a parenting teens manual that works every time. I realized long ago that no matter how hard I try I cannot make someone else happy or make someone else do something for themselves or make someone else care. That holds true as a parent of a teenager.

Why I shouldn’t worry about things I cannot control.

I know I learned this a long time ago, but man I still try to control every little thing in my life. God has to be shaking His head at me all the time because as much as I pray to let go, it is so natural for me to just take control. I think it is my safety net and go-to so I fool myself into thinking I can hold outcomes in my own hands. I will continue to work on this one in 2019, that’s for sure!

Why travel for work is way more work than it appears.

I traveled with my old job, but nothing like I traveled this past year. Just leaving for one to two nights disrupts life and even more so when traveling to the west coast or gone for five nights. Being divorced with 50% custody of my children also makes this quite the balancing act. Every trip I had brought value to my role, so I knew it was important to my future. I got to see a lot of places and meet so many amazing people. However, I had a lot of 4 am and 1 am trips to and from the airport to avoid more nights in a hotel. Dealing with weather or other delays brings another element of crazy. So while it is valuable, I found it is like working quadruple time.

Why giving time its proper time works.

This one speaks for itself based on the above. If I wait to respond to anything, it is almost always a better response. Time is a healer. Time is knowledge. Time is strength. Time shows us so many important things if we just let it.

Why God has us live in limbo.

Have I mentioned before that I absolutely HATE living in limbo??!! I believe that is why God puts me in situations where I must live I limbo. He must have more work to do on me because I am still living in limbo as I type this. I am trying to be patient and allow time to first, get me out of limbo, and second, show me why. Still waiting!

Why I love my family so freaking much.

I am so beyond blessed with my family. They are incredible – loving, understanding and patient. They are always there for me and my children and my heart could explode just thinking about each one of them. My parents are the most selfless people I’ve ever met. They’ve gotten screwed over a lot because they won’t speak up or be all in it for themselves, however it is character. It is true selflessness and taking the higher road. It is killing others with kindness and loving your neighbor as yourself. My sister has an unspeakable bond with my daughter. This bond has helped so much this past year with everything we’ve gone through. She can be there in ways I can’t be as the mom. And it taught me that when she has a teenage girl the aunt I will be for her daughter.

Why everyone in our lives crosses our specific path for a reason.

My mix of people has completely changed over the last year. It is crazy how much time you spend with your close co-workers. You spend more time with them than your own family, actually. It is sad when the ones you used to talk to and see every day are gone, but to gain a whole new group of people with their own stories and need for a listening ear, is what I live for. I would’ve never met so many more amazing people this year had I not gone through everything I went through. I know each and every one is in my life (no matter how significant) for a reason. Sometimes we don’t ever find out that reason, but it is there.

Why it’s ok to truly let someone you were once in love with completely exit your life.

I’ve stayed friends with exes before, including my ex-husband. In order to truly move on and let each person heal, it is ok to completely close a chapter of your life, though. I have always felt bad and haven’t wanted to be mean, but I learned that sometimes it is absolutely necessary. Not because you are being mean, but actually doing what is best. I believe certain people in our lives will always hold a certain spot in our hearts and that is ok. It doesn’t mean anything more or less than that.

Why I just want to be home.

Between traveling and having a less than stellar place to call home, along with not being able to sleep very well alone, I felt rootless this year. It’s like living in limbo…I hate it. However, I do take a deep breath sometimes when I have a true stretch at home with my kids because as I put my stuff away and hang my clothes where they belong, I just soak in where my home actually is. Maybe this year helped me to see that even in a 1970s duplex it can somewhat start to feel like home if you are surrounded by your stuff and make it smell good. It also taught me that maybe home isn’t so much of a place, either. Maybe it is more of a feeling. And that feeling can be just as much someone’s arms as where you hang your clothes. J

Why exercise is so important.

I’ve never gone very long in life without exercising. I did get really busy earlier this year, though, and it went to the wayside for a few months. I never felt more horrible. I never had a more difficult time dealing with stress as during those months. As much as I can hate running, running is my ultimate, #1 stress reliever. It works like a charm every single time, no matter how much I am cussing at it during the dreaded treadmill minute, which by the way is at least 10 times longer than a normal minute! No matter how busy I am, I cannot stop exercising because it is the only way I can handle stress.

Why living my best life simply for me and making decisions accordingly is vital to my happiness.

Sometimes I live too much for other people. When I’ve allowed myself to make decisions for me and what I truly want and what is best for my kids, I’ve definitely felt good. I need to keep that up.

Why it’s ok to still let your kids – no matter their age – sleep with you now and again.

Always. I learned that it will end. I learned that they grow up too quickly, especially in today’s world.

Why I wasn’t meant to be a plumber.

My dad taught me that hot is on the left, but this girl is no handyman. I was meant to have a man in my life, living with me. I can be independent in so many other ways. This is not one of them. Especially at midnight when the toilet floods the upstairs bathroom and begins showering into the laundry room downstairs. I was not given the appropriate talents to handle these kind of situations with grace. This just happened to me last weekend and I am still salty about it…haha.

Why hearing the words “I love you” mean so much more to me now.

They just do. Actions do speak louder than words, but sometimes you just need to hear the words. I learned that this year.

Why trips to the ocean are good for the soul and why I must walk the beach if I am anywhere near the ocean.

Ahhhhhhhhh. The large, majestic ocean, no matter the coast, still amazes me every time I’m there. Maybe growing up in Iowa far away from the ocean gives me a different appreciation. I cannot travel near the coast and not walk on the beach. That is so wrong to me. I was lucky this year to see the ocean many times. I have no problem walking the beach alone. It is pretty special to have someone to take long walks on the beach with, too. He is even adding it to his resume.

Why I need to stop holding everything in and trying to cope by internalizing.

This is my signature. I battle it constantly and it is like battling who I truly am at the core. I am a stubborn ass. I really am. How do I change that? I guess since I am at the end of my 18 things, I can just say that I am focusing on this one in 2019. Is that good enough?

So there was my year. I learned a lot. I stressed a lot. I got through a lot. And I still have a long way to go! Here’s to enjoying the next 365 with as much grace as this stubborn ass can exude.

I Am From…

I attended a training yesterday that wasn’t really a training, actually. It was a drama troupe that put on a great production surrounding many issues we all face – whether it be personally or professionally. It was a work event, so a lot of the content fit the workplace – such as diversity and inclusion, sexual harassment and communication.

I read once that most work challenges are because of people. People are messy. We all are. We all come from our own place and see the world and others from our own perspective. Because we don’t always know what’s someone has been through or where they are from, it is difficult to assume what their perspective is and even more difficult to understand it without the background information.

I am writing about this because the exercise we did at the end of the production really impacted me. They had us all write a short “I am From” poem. In highs school I remember writing a similar poem, which was called “This is me. I am.” I loved that poem, too. Why? Because they help me put into words my own story and realize where I am at in my journey. Do I still have guilt associated with some things? What has impacted me so profoundly that it makes the poem? If you dig deep, even your own eyes are opened by the content.

I dug deep, because that is usually what I do. I could’ve kept it very surface level but it wouldn’t have been authentic. I knew that if I had to share it, tears were going to flow, but I decided not to hold back, even though I am newer employee and not everyone knows me very well at all yet.

So, here is my current I am From:

I am from God, the mile wide city (Denver, Iowa), middle child, middle class, self-employed family, shamrock baby
I am from the end of the alphabet and being last in line
I am from an eating disorder starting in 3rd grade that never really goes away, even if outwardly I am controlling it
I am from family and authentic relationships that are trusting and close and make me laugh until my stomach hurts
I am from having my own baby way before I was ready in the mile high city
I am from a 10+ year roller coaster of pain that led to a divorce that my deep rooted faith and values never wanted to allow me to have
I am from guilt for my kids’ lives being a single mom, living in a run-down duplex
I am from a whole lot of faith, hope for the future and full of grace for others
I am from trying to please others too much sometimes
I am from fairy tale visions of romantic comedies and being swept off my feet
I am from Hawkeye Heaven and shop til you drop
I am from jumping to conclusions like a boss
I am from pizza and diet coke for every meal
I am from dreams, goals, determination and hard work to accomplish what I seek to achieve
I am from stubbornness and impatience of wanting to know everything…and taking control whenever I can
I am from not knowing the answer when it comes to parenting and just trying to do the best I can every day
I am from my imperfections, my experiences, my tendencies…and always always always my children’s hearts

What is your I am From? Understanding where others come from is such a big step in tackling the biggest distance that usually exists between two people: misunderstanding. The most effective communicators meet someone where they are and where they come from, not the other way around. Share your story with others. You never know who’s life you might touch.

I am from

Conquer your mind, control your thoughts and get the hell out of your own way

Everything in this world is fleeting. Everything. Life is hard – it literally kills us all at some point. Knowing the first two statements are true, how do you begin to live differently today?

I have been asking myself this question for a long time now. Worrying is in my blood and so is this relentless need to want to know everything. Perhaps that is called impatience? Yep, that is what I’ve got deep within my bones. A whole lot of it.

I have noticed some of my closest friends in the same boat – rowing and rowing and seemingly getting nowhere. This could be with a relationship, a job, parenting – you name it. As I’ve listened to stories and lived my own, I continue to search for ways to master myself because my mind is the biggest part of the battle.

It sounds easy to change your mindset or conquer your thoughts. There are so many things in life that I can easily learn and apply whether it be a new skill, understanding a mathematical equation or a challenge at work. But, this is not the case when trying to conquer my own mind. Some times are easier than others, but to consistently have the frame of mind to take you to the next level in life is something I am sure very few people accomplish in a lifetime. I am bound and determined to be one of them, though!

I tend to take bits and pieces of things I’ve read or seen and put together my own puzzle in terms of helping myself with anything. My mind challenge has been no different. So, here are the things I’ve learned so far to start to truly live above the daily grind and constant worry about tomorrow.

Focus first on staying true to who you are and who you want to be

This includes doing all of the things you want to do while on this earth. Quit talking about everything you want to do and pick one thing and do it. Just one. Don’t sacrifice your personality for anyone. Don’t hold back for anyone. The right people will be in your life no matter what. I am guilty of this – over and over I am guilty of it. I hold back. So, I made a list for this one. My list includes every area of my life and every role that I play that is vital for keeping me true to myself. Tip: if you write it down it magically becomes easier to focus on. I am going to sign up for golf lessons next month. That is my action step. Keep me accountable!

Take your time whenever you absolutely can – sit in the traffic jam instead of choosing the fast lane and see how your decisions change

I’ve read this before as practice the pause. My daughter recently wanted to get a pixie cut (and still does). When she makes up her mind to do something, she wants it right then and won’t even stop to think about it. It eerily reminds me of me at her age. Now that I am older and wiser I try to teach her these lessons but they just don’t seem to sink in very well?! I settled to let her get her very long, beautiful and thick hair (that I wish I had!) cut to above her shoulders.

There are so many times in life that once I get through something or give it time, my thoughts and feelings about the situation completely change. Practice the pause. Let go and let God!

Be ok with the spotlight not on you

Pride and ego. Both can be so ugly and can highlight insecurities that you never even knew you had. My top two strengths from the Strengthsfinder assessment are Achiever and Competition. While these two strengths drive me to great things, they also get in my way. I always want the next title at work. I want to be the best at certain things. Those things drive me and that is ok. I don’t want to need recognition or attention, though.

I read once that “beautiful things ask for no attention.” Yet here I am continuing to want attention. All. The. Freaking. Time. I am working on this one. It has been an eye opener for me as I have tried to pinpoint the deep reasoning behind certain thoughts and behaviors. My goal is to serve others, recognize others and be content in the shadows, behind the scenes. There is this song I listen to and some of the lyrics are “I don’t need my name in lights. I’m famous in my Father’s eyes.” THIS. SO MUCH THIS.

Respect yourself and demand the same of others

Make a list of your standards in life – for anything – your job, relationships, faith, etc. Respect yourself enough to stick to these standards. Speak up for what you believe in. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. Don’t let yourself be disrespected first and foremost by yourself. And certainly not by anyone else. I am a people-pleaser and accommodating by nature, which makes this one especially challenging for me.

Never put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket

No one is responsible for your happiness but you. Relying on someone else for it is the surest way to be disappointed.

Smile

“Let your smile change the world but don’t let the world change your smile.” <— That is a sign I got from my parents once. I have a ginormous smile and an obnoxious giggle when you really get me going. At times I have been self-conscious of both. I was told recently that my son shares my exact laugh. I never noticed that before, but one thing I did notice many times was how much his laugh makes me smile. So, I have decided to smile and laugh my own crazy laugh as much as I possibly can.

24 hours at a time – nothing more

God gave us life in 24 hour chunks for a reason. He said he would never give us more than we can handle or tempt us more than we can bear. We do this to ourselves by thinking beyond the present moment. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. We are all one phone call, text message or media blast away from tragedy that personally impacts us. This is why we have many “before this” and “after this” moments. These are the lines drawn in the sand when we experience something that changes things so profoundly, nothing is ever the same afterward. And, no one is immune to these things. Living for 24 hours also helps us know we can get through anything. You CAN get through the next 24 hours and then the next 24 hours and then the next. Time has a mysterious way of making things ok.

I have been working on the 24 hour rule for a good year – not that I haven’t always tried to live this way – but it has been one of my main focuses. I don’t do this perfectly every day. I do take a deep breath and remind myself of living for the day when my mind starts to get too far ahead of itself. Living for 24 hours at time allows us to enjoy surprises as they come. Living for the day helps with worry. Worrying only makes us suffer multiple times instead of just when it happens – if it even ever does.

EVERYTHING in moderation

80/20 rule. Not just with food and exercise, but with everything. You can literally over-indulge on anything other than seeking God. Give yourself a break and then get right back on track.

Everyone you meet knows something you don’t

You will benefit from having a conversation you didn’t want to have or shy away from having. A quote that sticks out to me is “don’t be afraid of the conversations you are having. Be afraid of the conversations you are not having.” How true is this? It applies to all areas from the stranger sitting next to you on the airplane to your kids to your significant other to your co-workers. Put yourself out there, smile and ask someone a simple question in order to learn a whole lot. You never know who you will meet or what it will lead to.

Have a forgiving heart

Holding grudges literally kills our soul. Try really hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes when you find it is difficult to give grace and forgive. Not a single one of us is perfect. We are human and we sometimes unintentionally hurt others (sometimes intentional too, I know) and unfortunately, often times hurt the ones we love the most. Give the benefit of the doubt first. Most of the time it is a lack of communication or simply coming from different perspectives. We assume that others think the exact same way we do. It is human nature. However, that is not true. The biggest distance between two people is misunderstanding. Love unconditionally. Be the nicest to those who aren’t the nicest to you. This will set you free.

If you see something in someone or feel something for someone, SAY IT

There is nothing worse than suppressed thoughts and feelings. You also just might make someone’s day when you express yourself. This is something I read every single day to remind myself:

Missing someone? CALL

Want to see someone? INVITE

Want to be understood? EXPLAIN

Have a question? ASK

Don’t like something? SAY IT

Like something? STATE IT

Want something? ASK FOR IT

Love someone? TELL THEM

I will give fair warning right now that the list I made above is not an easy list to follow. I do better at some of them over others depending on the day, but I am constantly trying to live my life this way. I figure if I have one small win everyday, it will add up to a big difference. A difference where my mind is clear and I actually notice and enjoy all of the little things or surprises throughout the day. A difference where I worry less and tackle the hard stuff as it comes to me, instead of trying to tackle things in my mind, of which 90% + won’t even actually happen. A difference where I dismiss the vision in my head of how I want things to be and LET THEM BE AS THEY ARE. A difference where I give up control and just be me, loving the hell out of the people in my life, telling them daily and respecting myself enough to take care of every morsel of my being – mind, body and spirit.

Funny (and irritating) plane ride story

Current situation. On a plane to Chicago. In the window seat. Guy on the aisle is snoring – like Larry Zars snoring (my dad – who could win an Olympic medal for snoring – but don’t worry, he doesn’t have Sleep Apnea – just ask him!) The guy in the middle is seriously in my bubble – and I am so close to the window that any closer I’d be skydiving.

I am going to have a serious neck and back ache from having to sit this way for almost 4 hours. I elbowed his arm once and gave him my best death look and he moved it, but now it is right back way over the arm rest. And he has a cold, is sniffling non-stop and using the same nasty tissue that I fear is going to touch me. I am usually pretty laid back but I am outright irritated at this point.

I am too nice. It is difficult for me to look someone in the eye and say excuse me you are being a giant d-bag. Will you please get out of my space? And take some freaking nyquil. I’d rather you be snoring like the other guy.

And the internet is slow.

And get this – the middle seat guy was sitting in the aisle seat when I got to the row. He told me that if I would’ve had the aisle seat he was going to ask me to switch because he doesn’t like the middle seat (because so many people do). Luckily I had the window seat or I probably would’ve let him have the aisle seat. When the other guy came to claim the aisle seat, middle seat guy didn’t even ask him to switch!

I almost paid extra for a closer seat. It would’ve been worth every penny. SMH, looking out the window…man I’d rather be skydiving right now.

A lot can happen in a year

I think about this every single year at this time. And almost every year I think to myself that I don’t really know how that much more could happen in the coming year. This past year I couldn’t have been more wrong!

My faith grew in ways I cannot even explain…I grew personally and experienced losing a job.

I witnessed a Christmas miracle when one of my very best friends dad went home from the hospital yesterday after news right before Christmas that he only had a 25% chance to live.

I witnessed my own answered prayers and am learning to live for new surprises from God every day..I just need to get out of my own way.

I courageously became single and God met me with such beauty on the other side.

He protected me every single step of the way in 2017. So, instead of facing unknowns with fear and control this year, I am so excited to see 2018 unfold…come what may!

Tough Decisions

World crashing down…post 30 days…more to come…

This quote has been in the back of my head all week. I had 3 separate paths I could’ve taken but could only choose one. Each offered something unique and if presented on their own, I wouldn’t have been able to pass up a single one. God certainly works in mysterious ways. He knows tough decisions are not my strength, so I had to rely on Him and follow what He put in my heart. Here’s to letting go and letting God. But first, 2 more weeks of being unemployed…and finally getting to decompress, start to heal and move on. Thank you for all of the love, support and endless prayers!

No Shame November

Everyone has heard of No Shave November and while us girls would love to take part (and I am sure some even do), I know I couldn’t do it. My girlfriend and I were talking this weekend – not about No Shave November – but about us as women – loving ourselves, believing in ourselves and respecting ourselves. Married, single, divorced, young, old, in between – all females can relate to this topic. A lot is put on our shoulders. We have to be fit but not too skinny, pretty but not intimidating, successful, raise good kids, keep houses together while working, live in a constant guilt circle, come last and many times sacrifice our own needs…the list goes on. Not that there is not a lot expected out of men because there most definitely is. We tend to be harder on ourselves and maybe just a bit more emotional, however.

Our conversation led to both of us saying one word: enough. Enough of the worry, enough of the guilt, enough of the insecurity…enough of the shame. Since it is the beginning of November and forming habits and true life changes takes at least 30 days, we decided to have our own month of change called NO SHAME NOVEMBER. What does No Shame November look like?

• Consciously pick your thoughts like you pick your clothes (positive self-talk vs. negative self-talk)

• Let go of anything you know you truly need to stop hanging onto

• Stop accepting behavior/treatment from anyone that you should never accept

• Speak up for yourself

• Believe in yourself – and not just say you do – but really believe

• Put yourself first and do not feel guilty about it

• Get out of your own way – wait on God and he will act on your behalf

• See your true worth

• Give absolutely zero F’s

• Get rid of things you don’t need

• Give generously to others that are in need

• Fast/cleanse and exercise

• No more body shaming

• Treasure who you are right now

• Stop chasing anything or anyone – be done – what is for you will not pass you by

• Pamper and take care of yourself

• No more doubt, insecurity, guilt, comparison, worry, fear

• Do not hold back from being your true self and say what you think and feel without regret

• Write down everything you are thankful for

• Make time for your true priorities

• Learn something new

• Live in the moment

This list could go on and on. But it truly is whatever each one of us individually needs to not live in shame, guilt, regret or unhappiness. As women, it is so easy to go down the shame rabbit holes. This month, let’s all get together and say ENOUGH. Let’s start a movement. Who’s with us?!?!

Please share your No Shame November stories!

Single Marketing Mom

All things faith, marketing and the single mom life

Author: lindyzars