I actually found the journal entry below from the year I got divorced, which was five years ago. So, I thought I’d share it. This where I was then in the divorce journey. It’s definitely been a road, but I can say that I have tried really hard to always stay true to myself. And, since then I have seen that girl again. She smiles and laughs and even cries – if you are numb and go without crying for years – it is actually a blessing to finally let yourself cry again.
I’ve learned to stay true to yourself.
There are so many things, beliefs, thoughts, memories, experiences and education that together make us who we are. Coupled with the core of our personality, or how we’re wired, we can take ourselves in many different directions based on current and past circumstances in life, age and simply frame of mind. I’ve spent so much time the last several years just going through the motions, running on empty and trying to do it all that I lost part of me along the way. I think I even got to a point where I thought this is it, just survive.
In the last couple of months, I’ve had the people that are closest to me open my eyes. It also took a therapist telling me I’m broken. Yeah, kind of hurty. But true. I had stopped feeling much of anything because that seemed easiest. I knew I’d let pieces of me go along the way and I didn’t think I could ever get them back. But I’m questioning that now. I know I’ll never be the person I was before 2005. There was a line drawn in the sand – one of those life moments where you know nothing will ever be the same from that point forward. But…
I’ve been thinking a lot about who I really am, what makes me tick, what you can get me talking about for hours and what I feel kind of ‘meh’ about. I’m working on staying true to her and fighting for her. Every day. For me, this means that I’m not going to accept less than extraordinary – a quote I had hanging on my wall in college. For the dreamer that I am, I’m done with not letting myself dream and plan and have goals to meet and celebrations to be had when complete. I’m going to question more and allow myself to feel again. I’m going to write and write. I’m going to sing at the top of my lungs and dance to really bad cover bands. I’m going to speak up, debate and lead. I’m going to joke around, be sarcastic and laugh until my stomach hurts. I’m going to stay positive and count every blessing. I’m not going to stop learning. I’m going to believe. Again.
I’m not finished with me yet. I’m trying to stay true to this girl that needs to let the sun hit her face and show me things I haven’t seen in a while.